A day in the life of....

[smartass_captain]

Captain's Log. Star Date 1315.79

I buried my back-up pilot today under the twin suns of an alien world.

It should have been a simple mission. We're obligated to answer any and all strange readings or distress signals we find while on our exploration. Everyone knows the risks. This never gets any easier.

Star Date 1312.11

Beta Shift had ended. I was scheduled to work Gamma shift and spent the hour before hand enjoying a game of chess with some of the other Gamma shift bridge crew. I do rounds of shifts to make sure every shift of the bridge runs as smoothly as possible. My best and brightest may be who I rely on in emergencies, but they need their rest too. And my back up shift is almost as good. I made sure of that when I became captain.

People like Gary Mitchell and Lee Kelso.

Old classmates from my time in the Academy. Gary especially. He and I had history dating back to my time in Starfleet. He and Kelso were a year my senior.

Gamma shift began with acting captain and first officer Mr. Spock informing me of a distress signal we had come across near the edge of the quadrant. An ancient distress beacon from the SS Valiant. Those versed in their Starfleet history will remember the vessel as the flagship of the Federation in its time and one of the first vessels tasked with exploring the edge of the galaxy. We had it beamed aboard to analyze its contents.

Unsettling logs at first look.

Severe damage to the ship; source: unknown. Six bridge crew killed and a seventh in critical condition. Something about extra-sensory perception and the captains final frantic order for the ship to self destruct.

We assumed the data to be garbled and set about retrieving all of the logs that we could. Lt. Uhura was placed in charge of the task. Her talents in xenolinguistics are without peer. I regret asking her to stay on past her shift, but we needed that data.

Stardate 1312.33

Uncharted territory. We are officially where no man has gone before. Would that I could celebrate this achievement but we encountered an energy field that has knocked us out of Warp 1. Fire on the bridge. Yellow alert given. Nine crew members across the ship deceased due to seizures caused by an unknown source. Mitchell in critical condition in Medbay.

Enterprise is crippled. Kirk out.

Chief Engineering Log, Supplemental

Warp capabilities are offline, ship cannae run on anything but impulse power and those engines are cracked. We'd need a Starbase to fix the damage. The Captain has called an Alpha Shift meeting. Went to tell him about the impulse engines but he already knows. How can he know? I only just discovered it. Says Mitchell told him about it in Medbay.

Captain's Log, 1312.41

The ship is crippled, all of my deceased crew showed heightened extra-sensory abilities before they succumbed. Gary is still alive and his abilities are the highest of all. He's becoming aggressive and his eyes are an opaque silver. It's unnerving. I'm not sure how much longer we can keep him in observation. He's moving things with his mind, getting in our heads. Bones is spooked. I have to admit.

So am I.

We're as good as dead if we can't repair the impulse power. It's holding for now. We're changing course to Theta Varis, where an old lithium cracking facility might have what we need to make some emergency repairs.

Spock is urging me to leave Mitchell there.

Abandon him? On an uninhabited planet? Gary is my friend and a member of my crew. Personal feelings and history aside, I will not give up on anyone in my crew so easily. Mr. Spock says the only other option is to kill him.

While we still can.

Stardate 1315.23

We had to sedate Mitchell. Constantly. He's getting more powerful. We've reached Theta Varis. Mr. Kelso, Mr. Scott, myself, and Commander Spock will be heading planetside. Kelso and Scott to obtain the necessary items for repairing the ship. Myself and Spock for...detaining Mitchell.

We have no choice.

I have to believe he can be helped. Can be saved. Until we figure out how, I have to leave him behind.

First Officer's Log, Supplmentary

The creature that was once Gary Mitchell has escaped from custody after attacking Captain Kirk and stunning myself. Has used his newfound abilities to force Mr. Lee Kelso to take his own life. Mr. Kelso would have been aware the entire time, begging for his life from what was once a lifelong friend.

It is no longer human, however, it does retain Mitchell's memories. Memories of jealousy over the Captain's prowess at the Academy. Of abuse in their personal history. Of ambition when the Captain obtained his rank. I must locate Jim.

It will torture him. And then make him kill himself too.

...

It has the Captain. Forcing him to relive past traumas. Creating life out of this wasteland with a mere thought. The plasma rifle will no longer harm what it is becoming. It is taking pleasure in watching Jim struggle. Forcing him to his knees. Begging for the lives of his crew. I do not know if Jim is speaking freely, or if this creature is dragging the words out of him by force.

I must create a distraction.

Captain's Log 1315.79

He was himself, at the end. Fought that thing off long enough to beg me to kill him. I took Gary Mitchell's life with the plasma rifle we had originally brought down for security purposes. We buried the dead on Theta Varis. It is too dangerous to even keep their bodies aboard the ship for a proper transfer home.

Not just the dead. My friends. My crew.

I know it is my job to bear this pain. The lives of the rest of my crew depend on it.

Kirk out.

Comments

[smartass_captain]

"He was.." Jim chokes on the word and shakes his head. Pinches the bridge of his nose and tries to take in a deep breath.

"We were...together. At the Academy. For a while. It wasn't...it never got serious." It's entirely too difficult to talk about the kind of awful it was like, reliving all of the manipulation guilt and frustration Jim sat through back when he'd tried to make things with Gary work. All while at the hands of something wearing the man's face. Not knowing if it was Gary trying to torment him, or whatever it was that had taken over his mind.

"He was finally becoming a friend, again." Before everything.

[conjuredskies]

"...Oh." Felix has to take a moment to think that over. He's not jealous. Not exactly. Why should he be? Aside from everything else the man's dead. But there's a certain sting in knowing that this Mitchell held the same place he does now. If only for a little while. Knowing he ever hurt Jim in the first place.

"...You finally had a chance to heal things." Old hurts, freshly re-opened. Then made a thousand times worse. "I'm sorry. No-one should have to... do that. You least of all."

[smartass_captain]

"I'm not sure he ever really..." Jim shrugs. "Cared about me that way. Things were tense between us when I got the Enterprise. But after I..." Jim gestures. After he died.

"After I...got better...he came and visited me a lot at the hospital. Played a lot of chess, I got him transferred to the Enterprise. He's a good navigator." Jim sighs, hangs his head.

"Kelso got killed because I tried to save Gary. Because I didn't kill him sooner."

[conjuredskies]

"You weren't prepared to execute a friend. A sick man," he points out. Nobody would be willing to do that. Nobody who wasn't far too familiar with vampires and their ilk. "No more than Kelso was, I assume."

[smartass_captain]

Jim sighs. Leans into Felix's hand and lets his eyes slip shut. Felix understands and isn't blaming him. Or telling Jim he shouldn't. He's perfect.

When Jim looks up at Felix again there's so much gratitude and love in his expression it's impossible to hide. He raises a hand to cup the one Felix has on his shoulder, turning his head to kiss the hand.

A shrill noise makes Jim sit up straight, expression closing off again as he gets to his feet. The tension back in his shoulders says everything.

"This is Kirk." Jim makes a face at his comm and taps a finger impatiently against his desk.

"I am gratified you are present once more, Captain. Your presence is required in the briefing room, regarding an anomaly in our long range scanners." It's impossible to know how much the First Officer does or doesn't know about Jim's activities the way he speaks. Jim makes a face before he scrubs his hand over it. Wiping away tears. Gathering his composure. Hiding fatigue and stress.

"Thank you, Mister Spock. I'll be right up." Jim curses under his breath and puts his comm back on the desk. Felix gets an apologetic look. "Sorry. I won't be long. I promise. Make yourself comfortable?" Normally they'd part ways, but Jim doesn't want to spend his night alone. Not tonight.

[conjuredskies]

Felix's heart is beating so fast at the look Jim gives him. Did he say the right thing? He must have. Thank all the gods. The last thing he wants is to hurt Jim any more right now. To be sent packing like a tactless fool. That look promises otherwise. He's about to slip off the couch and curl up with Jim when... there's that noise.

He understands what it means as soon as he feels Jim's shoulders tense under his fingers. And for all that he loves watching his brave captain in action, something about watching him shoulder that role now actually... hurts, somehow. Felix pulls away a little, knowing he has to.

For now. Because he isn't dismissed, and there's as much recognition as surprise in his eyes at that. He follows Jim to the desk, gives him a long look before nodding.

"I'll be here," he promises.

[smartass_captain]

"Cool, grab a shower if you want, take a nap, seriously whatever you want to do is fine. Sorry. I'll hurry." Jim squeezes Felix's shoulder gently before he straightens his uniform and heads out of his quarters.

When Jim leaves the room grows silent, save for the constant hum of the ship's engines softly ever present underfoot. Felix is welcome to clean himself up if he'd like or take a look through Jim's things. Though he may be familiar with the sorts of things Jim keeps in his bedside drawer there's an entire closet to go poking around in as well as his desk. And on said desk is an unlocked PADD Jim has entirely forgotten about, having just finished collecting the relevant logs and submitting his formal report before coming to the Nexus.....

[conjuredskies]

Despite Jim's invitation he can't imagine settling down for a nap. He has a quick wash, trying to get rid of some of the smoke and sweat one tends to accumulate in Skyrim. Then he finds himself just... pacing. Restless.

His mind won't stop going over what he's learned, nor the implications behind some of Jim's words. At first he'd read a hint of old jealousy there, one man made a navigator while the other made captain. But if Mitchell and Jim were so close - even if not meant to last - maybe he was misinterpreting that.

Either way, does it matter? Does it make a difference? Is there anything he can say that will help Jim now?

He takes a look inside the closet, drawn as much to anything he can fidget with as the opportunity to snoop. It's not long before his attention - and his hand - falls on the PADD left out. He's seen Jim work on these - some sort of computer, bigger than their phones but basically the same from what he's observed...

He taps at it without really knowing what he's seeking. Information? Distraction?

[smartass_captain]

Jim's got a dress uniform in his closet, sleek grey and with a matching hat. For diplomatic events and formal gatherings, more than likely. As well as his jeans and leather jacket. For impressing Felix events. Obviously.

It has significantly less games than the device he uses as a phone. Though when one of the little icons is pushed, Jim's voice comes out of the device's speakers. And if Felix listens long enough, it's not just Jim. his chief engineer and Commander Spock are giving parts of the report too.

"Captain's log, Stardate...." It starts off. And Felix may want to sit down, while he learns of the mission Jim is so troubled about...

[conjuredskies]

He still isn't used to the technology around here. He startles outright at the sound of Jim's voice, snatching his hand back before he realizes what the captain's voice is saying. It's just a record. A record of... well.

Any stray thoughts about whether he really ought to be listening to this are swiftly brushed aside. Perhaps this way he can learn the details Jim still can't bear to speak of. Concern and anticipation mingle with flashes of affection as he listens and learns of a mystery demanding investigation, and a corrupting influence, and just what it inflicted on his captain.

When it finishes he fidgets with the PADD until he figures out how to play it again. He needs to take in the whole story. Needs to understand so he can find some way to help.

Though he could do without hearing any more of the suppressed grief and anguish that tautens Jim's voice, tries to choke his words.

He finds himself sitting down again, contemplating the stars of this world. Wondering if this void too harbors beings akin to daedra: ancient powers, vast and inhumane. Why would they inflict such curses on men, if so? What would they hope to gain - or gift?

[smartass_captain]

Felix will find stills from Starfleet's security attached to the logs. Moving images of who must be Gary Mitchell with his eyes clouded over by some unknown force, moving objects around the Medbay with ease without touching them. Handwritten forms scanned into the system as attachments. Letters to the deceased's families, written personally by Jim.

After the third time Felix has listened all the way through and read whatever details he'd like, there's a noise at the door. Jim's finished with whatever meeting drug him out of his quarters. The controlled face he put on with his crew is slipping even as the door finishes shutting. Jim leans back, bumping his head against the door to his quarters and giving a deep sigh.

Bones had told him to rest. For once, Jim's inclined to agree with him. Because he's not alone. He's honestly a little surprised Felix stuck around. Jim cracks open an eye and gives a weak smile the Imperial's way.

"Miss me?"

[conjuredskies]

He finds the attachments before he sets up the third play-through, though the letters seem too personal to read once he sees what they are. The footage of Mitchell is less unsettling, in many ways. He's seen telekinesis before, albeit usually with more of an accompanying light-show. Felix's attention is more on Mitchell himself: on his eyes, his face. Trying to get some sense of the man, or... what remained in his place.

He tries to close the files quickly when he hears Jim at the door, but winds up just dropping the PADD on the desk and stepping away hastily. Never mind if he's caught. What matters is what he knows now.

"I was starting to worry there was another crisis," he answers, aiming for a light tone. He manages better with the next part. "Or that your crew had kidnapped you for a drink." His smile is slight, an echo of Jim's own as he comes over. He can't help studying Jim's face anew, aware now of how much he's been holding back and how well he's done so.

It's almost exasperating, if he's honest with himself. But exasperation with Jim just translates into the urge to hold him and kiss him until he sees sense. Although... admittedly most of Felix's emotions seem to lead that way, these days. Maybe now isn't quite the right time for the kissing part.

[smartass_captain]

Jim shrugs easily, shaking his head. As if he'd have stood Felix up unless there was some sort of emergency.

"Scotty offered, but I told him I had other things to do yet." The implications there would normally be a brand of Jim's own inappropriate humor. Tonight, it's exactly what it sounds like--an excuse. There's something different in Felix's gaze now, one that has JIm tilting his head in question to it.

"What is it?"

[conjuredskies]

"Er- what?" Felix blinks, caught out and surprised by that. More than he should be, by now. He hesitates, as if he can hide the way his helpless confusion's receded, or the faint pensiveness tinging his expression.

Should he try to lie? Could he, to Jim? Is there a point besides avoiding confessing to accidentally 'reading' the captain's mail? Well, semi-accidentally. At least the first time.

Forget all that, points out the sharper part of his mind, overriding the younger-brother instincts. Is this in any way a good time to be hiding things from Jim?

That's an easy question.

"Um." He looks sheepish, runs a hand through his hair before confessing. "Well, I was looking around and sort of poked the computer on your desk..."

[smartass_captain]

"My console? Don't worry about it--I'm sure you couldn't have hurt anything. I did tell you to make yourself at home." Jim starts to smile when he sees the PADD on his desk, dropped arbitrarily at the corner as though someone had been in a hurry to get up.

The logs. The mission.

Jim sucks in a breath, sharply aware of everything Felix could have seen and heard suddenly. He isn't sure whether to be angry or relieved, for not needing to try and talk about it any longer. His logs were a matter of public record, hardly secret to anyone technically.

"Oh, that." Jim sighs and runs a hand though his hair. "Yeah that's...what happened. The rest of the story."

[conjuredskies]

Felix nods. Unsure on what was meant to be public or not. He wouldn't blame Jim for being angry. But he's relieved that's not what comes out.

"I didn't read all of the... written files, but the rest... sorry." It's only half true, though. He's not sorry he learned the truth.

He hesitates, ventures, "It sounds as if you did everything you could."

[smartass_captain]

"He was one hell of a navigator." Jim says, through grit teeth. "He was an asshole and a manipulative son of a bitch, but I thought I could handle it. Thought we were friends, again. We played chess together. Poured over mission logs on beta shift."

He shrugs and moves over to the couch so he can sit down.

"It made me relive the worst things. The best. so real, so brief, so intense." Jim sighs and leans his head back again. "I wanted to punch the shit out of him, and then he begs me to kill him. What am I supposed to do? To feel?"

[conjuredskies]

"Confusion?" Felix sits beside him, head canted to watch his face. "Anger. Sorrow. The things anyone would feel if something reached inside their head and turned out all the drawers. It used him to understand how to attack. What would hurt you most." His tone hardens slightly at that: it's hard not to think on Spock's words and suspect that Mitchell had all too many ideas in that direction.

"Some people," he adds more neutrally, "just aren't very good at settling their debts and moving on. No matter what they say. Even if they mean it."

[smartass_captain]

"...Fuck."

Jim groans and squeezes his eyes shut.

"There's no one left to lash out at. I've been good about not snapping at my crew, but I feel like screaming." How does Jim explain to his crew--to anyone really-- that no, the worst part of all of this was having to relive Gary using him, humiliating him, taking advantage and then crying for Jim to save him, to kill him and put him out of his misery.

"God damn it...I'm such an idiot...."

[conjuredskies]

"I don't think you are," Felix says quietly. "You're just the one left to try and make some sense of this mess." He reaches over to clasp Jim's hand. It's hard to watch him struggle with this and have so little help to offer. "And your people have no experience with things like this, do they?"

[smartass_captain]

Jim shoves at Felix's hand, bristling visibly with barely contained emotion. His kneejerk reaction is that Felix is pitying him, and fire flashes through Jim's eyes before it fades just as quickly. He sighs, flinches, looking apologetic instead.

"Sorry. I...fuck. Sorry."

Way to be a huge asshole Jim. You have the most understanding and amazing person in any world for company, and you treat them like shit. God this is why he shouldn't be doing this. Any of this.

"No. We don't have esp and shit like that. There's some telepathy. Spock's species are touch telepaths. But."

[conjuredskies]

Felix makes a tactical retreat – not far, but he pulls his hand back, accepts the rejection. The look in Jim’s eyes makes it clear this isn’t the time. Or that wasn’t the right move. Either way Felix will give him a little space.

“It’s all right. I just…” He hesitates. “Do you wish you could talk to him? Wrest some answers out? Which is not some kind of necromantic offer, just to be clear,” he adds hastily. It seems important to emphasize.

[smartass_captain]

Jim's not sure why this is annoying him. Maybe he's looking for a fight. Probably, though, he's looking for an Out of the conversation. Anything, even getting thrown against the wall or punched has to be better than facing his inner demons. And Jim knows how to handle himself in a fight. Knows how to let emotions boil over and spill out, vitriolic words as sharp as his blows.

He doesn't know how to do this.

So he squirms and snaps and then calms down again, trying his best to open up. He's trying so hard, Felix.

"When he was making me relive old times...he showed us together." Jim gestures but Felix should get it. He knows what kind of together Jim is with anyone that's not Felix. "Showed him messing around, telling me I shouldn't be surprised he was. That he assumed I would be, too. Showed me how angry he was when I made Captain. How jealous and bitter. Who had I blown to get where I was?" Jim's mumbling now, shifting slightly in discomfort as he talks about these things.

"I...I'm almost afraid to know how much of that was Gary. I'm more afraid that it was real. And not the thing taking him over.

[conjuredskies]

Felix doesn’t know what he’s doing either. He’s comforted people before, sure. Fancies he has a knack for soothing their cares away. But that’s for small stuff. Rejections, homesickness, daily frustrations. He’s not used to being on this end of a betrayal. A tragedy, if that’s the name for it.

But as long as Jim’s talking he has Felix’s silent attention. He can feel what it’s costing the captain to keep going, to share these aching secrets. Every word is a gift, and he’s treating it as such. His concerned expression doesn’t change when Jim speaks of his relationship with Mitchell, such as it was. When there is a frown, a flickering anger in his eyes, it’s at the man’s maltreatment of Jim – callous, dishonorable, crude.

Such a fool.

“He knew you. He should have known better. Maybe… the true Gary did.” Maybe Felix could guess. But who’s to say his knowledge will apply to strange space spirits? Or more importantly, that it’s anything Jim wants to hear?

[smartass_captain]

"I thought....at the time, I mean...I thought we were decent. We were both cocky, smart, antagonistic. It was a very extreme kind of thing. We laughed together until we cried, fought until we bled, and well..." Jim shrugs. "Guess I was the only one. It's not a huge deal. Wouldn't be the first time, won't be the last."

Jim freezes then, sucks in a sharp breath.

"Well. I mean. Maybe it will. I'd...shit. I'm just the worst." He sighs, buries his head in his hands. "Goddammit. I didn't mean...I don't..I don't think you're just gonna walk off at the drop of a hat. Fuck I'm sorry."

He'd have every good reason to leave though. Listen to him. Jim is a walking goddamn wreck. He's not worth Felix's time or affections.