Don't believe in no-win scenarios

Who knew planning a wedding could be so much work?

It was different when they signed the paperwork in Yorktown the year before. All the work leading up to that had been forging Felix an identity in this universe. Giving him a paper trail that could be found if anyone asked questions about Jim's partner. Giving Felix himself a crash course in the basics of his world, of Starfleet and it's history, and of the things the man would need to know to safely live aboard a ship like the Enterprise-A. That was necessity.

This? This is just exhausting. Every day Felix comes back to the ship looking more and more frazzled (or back to their room in Bruma the nights they stay over to see the Caelus family for dinner and the like) and all Jim can do is rub his husband's shoulders and remind him that they're nearly done now.

It's Stratos who asks first. Will your family be coming? Jim had done his best to brush it off and not ruin their dinner at the time. They don't know about the Nexus. About Nirn. And even if they Did--no, it's impossible. Their concerns were absolutely valid. How would Jim's mother or brother feel to be left out of something like this? If they ever found out. Which they won't, Jim knows that already. He doesn't like the look Stratos gives him even when the Tribune drops the subject.

Jim's turned the question over in his head several times since. Maybe...he could ask some of the crew to come. Half of them know the truth already, or at least most of it. They're his family. Better than even. The family he chose. The family he found.

Alpha shift has come and went without so much as a dust particle out of place and Jim wonders again. If they want him to bring a relative...well. Jim may not be obeying that wish in spirit, but he does know of one person he's related to that he can stand being in the company of.

The captain pulls out his PINpoint and flicks through it.

Hey, it's me. Fancy a rematch?

Of the four hundred and thirty-six souls that left Yorktown on board the Enterprise, only a little over two hundred are still alive. Jim read the mission logs from where he was sitting in Yorktown's General hospital having just finished his evals like every member of his crew had to do in the wake of the attempted assault on the base. The guilt that normally gouges and sticks to Jim's insides is still there, but it is not as loud as it usually is.

He will have to write letters of course. Letters to the families of the deceased that explain their loved ones reason for never returning home. The structure of it already coming to mind while he sits and reads over the preliminary reports from Bones, Spock, Scotty, Sulu, and Uhura. Chekov's Jim knows already as he was with Jim throughout most of the events. And while this prospect saddens him he also feels a sense of pride rippling underneath his skin when he spies any of his people in the halls of this place.

Alive.

How close did they all come to destruction? Not only them, but Yorktown as well? Jim knows the answer better than anyone. It is not nothing that he and what remains of his crew have accomplished here today. The captain does not think those who were lost would want any of them to forget that. They are heroes every one of them. Especially those who did not make it back.

Still, Jim's relieved at Bones inviting him out for a drink. He's heard by now that Ambassador Spock has been listed as deceased, has turned down the promotion for Vice Admiral here in Yorktown. It seems amusing now that he'd been considering the posting at all. For the first time in months Jim dons a set of jeans, a simple teeshirt, and a leather jacket. All new, obviously, since his own possessions were destroyed with the Enterprise.

"They're going to be giving us the new ship in development. Scotty's trying to talk them into naming it the Enterprise-A. Make it feel more like home." It's a tired smile, but a genuine one. Jim chuckles at the way Bones recoils at the word 'home'. He's not fooling anyone.

"You're telling me you didn't even try to get our time shortened out there?" Bones grouses and grumps and Jim's smile widens. It lights up his tired face.

"Reduced? Bones, we know our way through the nebula now. Think of what we'll be able to find out there!"

"I hate this and I hate you."

"It's going to be so much fun." A beat and Jim realizes they're close to the fleet warehouse where he knows the new ship is under construction. He knows there's no bars down this way. "Where are we going anyway? I thought you said we were going out for a couple of drinks."

"Well..." Jim turns because the guilt in Leonard's voice is palpable. "I know you said not to mention it to anyone, but..."

""Happy Birthday Captain!!"" A chorus of greetings roots Jim to the spot and he finds himself struggling as he stares at the sea of faces. What day is...oh. Oh. Jim swallows, but the tremors don't start. Not when he looks out and sees the faces of his crew--his family--smiling back at him. As grateful that he's alive and here as he is of them. It's a strange feeling. No one mentions Remembrance day, no one asks him anything. They raise their drinks and offer him one. This must be how it feels to be valued. When he looks back at Loeonard, it's not with hatred. it's with shocked gratitude for something he hadn't even known he needed.

His eyes wet when he raises his glass. No matter what the occasion he still feels it necessary to toast to those who aren't with them. To honor their friends no longer here. Out across the room is a large window showing off the construction of Starfleet's newest ship.

Jim's ship, soon.

His mind drifts as he watches the construction to his friends across the dimensional gate in the Nexus. He's missed Christmas and New Years by now. Knowing the date, his counterpart is sure to be hiding away somewhere safe and alone. Felix will probably still be at the Imperial Capital sleeping off the days of revelry and drinking the New Year brings.

"Neither one of you had your PINpoints on you when the ship was attacked, did you." He knows the answer before he asks but Jim breaks his gaze out the window to look at either side of him to Bones and Spock anyway.

"We did not, Captain. Though it would have likely helped if we'd had access to it." Spock sets his glass down on one of the nearby tables in case Jim needs support.

"No, Jim. I'm sorry." Bones drops his own gaze to his glass. Jim won't be able to go back, now. The decision on whether or not to leave the Nexus for good seems to have been made for all of them but it'll hit Jim the hardest. Every trinket Felix had given him, every scrap of paper for that foolhardy plan to smuggle Felix into their world and bring him on board for good....all of that is gone now.

The rest of the crew gathers around and Jim says nothing more about the Nexus. He congratulates Jaylah on her acceptance into Starfleet Academy, an easy favor to call in considering everything that's transpired here. Besides, her technical acumen despite no formal education is impressive. He has no doubt she'll make a fine engineer in a few years. He accepts a hug from Demora Sulu when she and her father come to join Hikaru at the celebration. She's getting so big now.

When they leave, Jim stops to set down a full glass of champagne next to a holographic display of a planned memorial to the Enterprise crew who gave their lives in the line of duty protecting Yorktown. His smile slips off his face as the door to his temporary quarters slips shut, eyes sharp as he strides directly over to the communications terminal.

It's a long shot but Jim's not about to give up on the Nexus yet. He punches in his clearance to get an outside channel and sends a brief message to his farmhouse back on Earth in Iowa. There's no details given, only Jim's contact frequency while he's stationed in Yorktown. A secure line at that. If anyone can find that, they'll call him. And if they don't know what it is, he's certain the other Jim Kirk will.

All he can do now is wait.