A day in the life of....

[smartass_captain]

Captain's Log. Star Date 1315.79

I buried my back-up pilot today under the twin suns of an alien world.

It should have been a simple mission. We're obligated to answer any and all strange readings or distress signals we find while on our exploration. Everyone knows the risks. This never gets any easier.

Star Date 1312.11

Beta Shift had ended. I was scheduled to work Gamma shift and spent the hour before hand enjoying a game of chess with some of the other Gamma shift bridge crew. I do rounds of shifts to make sure every shift of the bridge runs as smoothly as possible. My best and brightest may be who I rely on in emergencies, but they need their rest too. And my back up shift is almost as good. I made sure of that when I became captain.

People like Gary Mitchell and Lee Kelso.

Old classmates from my time in the Academy. Gary especially. He and I had history dating back to my time in Starfleet. He and Kelso were a year my senior.

Gamma shift began with acting captain and first officer Mr. Spock informing me of a distress signal we had come across near the edge of the quadrant. An ancient distress beacon from the SS Valiant. Those versed in their Starfleet history will remember the vessel as the flagship of the Federation in its time and one of the first vessels tasked with exploring the edge of the galaxy. We had it beamed aboard to analyze its contents.

Unsettling logs at first look.

Severe damage to the ship; source: unknown. Six bridge crew killed and a seventh in critical condition. Something about extra-sensory perception and the captains final frantic order for the ship to self destruct.

We assumed the data to be garbled and set about retrieving all of the logs that we could. Lt. Uhura was placed in charge of the task. Her talents in xenolinguistics are without peer. I regret asking her to stay on past her shift, but we needed that data.

Stardate 1312.33

Uncharted territory. We are officially where no man has gone before. Would that I could celebrate this achievement but we encountered an energy field that has knocked us out of Warp 1. Fire on the bridge. Yellow alert given. Nine crew members across the ship deceased due to seizures caused by an unknown source. Mitchell in critical condition in Medbay.

Enterprise is crippled. Kirk out.

Chief Engineering Log, Supplemental

Warp capabilities are offline, ship cannae run on anything but impulse power and those engines are cracked. We'd need a Starbase to fix the damage. The Captain has called an Alpha Shift meeting. Went to tell him about the impulse engines but he already knows. How can he know? I only just discovered it. Says Mitchell told him about it in Medbay.

Captain's Log, 1312.41

The ship is crippled, all of my deceased crew showed heightened extra-sensory abilities before they succumbed. Gary is still alive and his abilities are the highest of all. He's becoming aggressive and his eyes are an opaque silver. It's unnerving. I'm not sure how much longer we can keep him in observation. He's moving things with his mind, getting in our heads. Bones is spooked. I have to admit.

So am I.

We're as good as dead if we can't repair the impulse power. It's holding for now. We're changing course to Theta Varis, where an old lithium cracking facility might have what we need to make some emergency repairs.

Spock is urging me to leave Mitchell there.

Abandon him? On an uninhabited planet? Gary is my friend and a member of my crew. Personal feelings and history aside, I will not give up on anyone in my crew so easily. Mr. Spock says the only other option is to kill him.

While we still can.

Stardate 1315.23

We had to sedate Mitchell. Constantly. He's getting more powerful. We've reached Theta Varis. Mr. Kelso, Mr. Scott, myself, and Commander Spock will be heading planetside. Kelso and Scott to obtain the necessary items for repairing the ship. Myself and Spock for...detaining Mitchell.

We have no choice.

I have to believe he can be helped. Can be saved. Until we figure out how, I have to leave him behind.

First Officer's Log, Supplmentary

The creature that was once Gary Mitchell has escaped from custody after attacking Captain Kirk and stunning myself. Has used his newfound abilities to force Mr. Lee Kelso to take his own life. Mr. Kelso would have been aware the entire time, begging for his life from what was once a lifelong friend.

It is no longer human, however, it does retain Mitchell's memories. Memories of jealousy over the Captain's prowess at the Academy. Of abuse in their personal history. Of ambition when the Captain obtained his rank. I must locate Jim.

It will torture him. And then make him kill himself too.

...

It has the Captain. Forcing him to relive past traumas. Creating life out of this wasteland with a mere thought. The plasma rifle will no longer harm what it is becoming. It is taking pleasure in watching Jim struggle. Forcing him to his knees. Begging for the lives of his crew. I do not know if Jim is speaking freely, or if this creature is dragging the words out of him by force.

I must create a distraction.

Captain's Log 1315.79

He was himself, at the end. Fought that thing off long enough to beg me to kill him. I took Gary Mitchell's life with the plasma rifle we had originally brought down for security purposes. We buried the dead on Theta Varis. It is too dangerous to even keep their bodies aboard the ship for a proper transfer home.

Not just the dead. My friends. My crew.

I know it is my job to bear this pain. The lives of the rest of my crew depend on it.

Kirk out.

Comments

[conjuredskies]

"Confusion?" Felix sits beside him, head canted to watch his face. "Anger. Sorrow. The things anyone would feel if something reached inside their head and turned out all the drawers. It used him to understand how to attack. What would hurt you most." His tone hardens slightly at that: it's hard not to think on Spock's words and suspect that Mitchell had all too many ideas in that direction.

"Some people," he adds more neutrally, "just aren't very good at settling their debts and moving on. No matter what they say. Even if they mean it."

[smartass_captain]

"...Fuck."

Jim groans and squeezes his eyes shut.

"There's no one left to lash out at. I've been good about not snapping at my crew, but I feel like screaming." How does Jim explain to his crew--to anyone really-- that no, the worst part of all of this was having to relive Gary using him, humiliating him, taking advantage and then crying for Jim to save him, to kill him and put him out of his misery.

"God damn it...I'm such an idiot...."

[conjuredskies]

"I don't think you are," Felix says quietly. "You're just the one left to try and make some sense of this mess." He reaches over to clasp Jim's hand. It's hard to watch him struggle with this and have so little help to offer. "And your people have no experience with things like this, do they?"

[smartass_captain]

Jim shoves at Felix's hand, bristling visibly with barely contained emotion. His kneejerk reaction is that Felix is pitying him, and fire flashes through Jim's eyes before it fades just as quickly. He sighs, flinches, looking apologetic instead.

"Sorry. I...fuck. Sorry."

Way to be a huge asshole Jim. You have the most understanding and amazing person in any world for company, and you treat them like shit. God this is why he shouldn't be doing this. Any of this.

"No. We don't have esp and shit like that. There's some telepathy. Spock's species are touch telepaths. But."

[conjuredskies]

Felix makes a tactical retreat – not far, but he pulls his hand back, accepts the rejection. The look in Jim’s eyes makes it clear this isn’t the time. Or that wasn’t the right move. Either way Felix will give him a little space.

“It’s all right. I just…” He hesitates. “Do you wish you could talk to him? Wrest some answers out? Which is not some kind of necromantic offer, just to be clear,” he adds hastily. It seems important to emphasize.

[smartass_captain]

Jim's not sure why this is annoying him. Maybe he's looking for a fight. Probably, though, he's looking for an Out of the conversation. Anything, even getting thrown against the wall or punched has to be better than facing his inner demons. And Jim knows how to handle himself in a fight. Knows how to let emotions boil over and spill out, vitriolic words as sharp as his blows.

He doesn't know how to do this.

So he squirms and snaps and then calms down again, trying his best to open up. He's trying so hard, Felix.

"When he was making me relive old times...he showed us together." Jim gestures but Felix should get it. He knows what kind of together Jim is with anyone that's not Felix. "Showed him messing around, telling me I shouldn't be surprised he was. That he assumed I would be, too. Showed me how angry he was when I made Captain. How jealous and bitter. Who had I blown to get where I was?" Jim's mumbling now, shifting slightly in discomfort as he talks about these things.

"I...I'm almost afraid to know how much of that was Gary. I'm more afraid that it was real. And not the thing taking him over.

[conjuredskies]

Felix doesn’t know what he’s doing either. He’s comforted people before, sure. Fancies he has a knack for soothing their cares away. But that’s for small stuff. Rejections, homesickness, daily frustrations. He’s not used to being on this end of a betrayal. A tragedy, if that’s the name for it.

But as long as Jim’s talking he has Felix’s silent attention. He can feel what it’s costing the captain to keep going, to share these aching secrets. Every word is a gift, and he’s treating it as such. His concerned expression doesn’t change when Jim speaks of his relationship with Mitchell, such as it was. When there is a frown, a flickering anger in his eyes, it’s at the man’s maltreatment of Jim – callous, dishonorable, crude.

Such a fool.

“He knew you. He should have known better. Maybe… the true Gary did.” Maybe Felix could guess. But who’s to say his knowledge will apply to strange space spirits? Or more importantly, that it’s anything Jim wants to hear?

[smartass_captain]

"I thought....at the time, I mean...I thought we were decent. We were both cocky, smart, antagonistic. It was a very extreme kind of thing. We laughed together until we cried, fought until we bled, and well..." Jim shrugs. "Guess I was the only one. It's not a huge deal. Wouldn't be the first time, won't be the last."

Jim freezes then, sucks in a sharp breath.

"Well. I mean. Maybe it will. I'd...shit. I'm just the worst." He sighs, buries his head in his hands. "Goddammit. I didn't mean...I don't..I don't think you're just gonna walk off at the drop of a hat. Fuck I'm sorry."

He'd have every good reason to leave though. Listen to him. Jim is a walking goddamn wreck. He's not worth Felix's time or affections.

[conjuredskies]

It stings a little, even unintentionally, but the hurried apology makes up for that. Maybe it's less hearing the words than trying to imagine if... if it were true. Felix blinks, gives Jim a look that's equal parts exasperated affection and confusion.

"I certainly hope to make it the last," he comments dryly, leaning closer and wrapping an arm over Jim's shoulders. "It's fine, don't apologize.I know what you meant." He thinks. How many times were there? How can Jim's luck have been so cruel to him?

Why is he trying to brush things off when they clearly cut so deep?

"But you don't have to try and pretend it meant so little," he adds in a murmur. "You're good at hiding your wounds, Jim, but you don't... don't need to. I want to help."

[smartass_captain]

"Felix..." Jim sighs and curls in tightly around himself for a moment. "It shouldn't have meant anything. And it's not like I pined after it was over. I'm not holding onto feelings for the guy. But...I also didn't want to have our history shoved in my head right before I had to kill a guy I thought I was finally friends with again."

He leans his head against Felix.

"People assume I'll cheat on them so they do. People assume I'll lie to them, so they do. Or I'll fuck it up by letting them get a glimpse of how I really am, and it scares them off. It's happened a lot. I don't want it to happen with you. But I don't know how. I'm selfish and physical with a quick temper. I work too much and eat too little, and I tend to say whatever is on my mind, even if it's an asshole thing to say. I like arguing, I like fucking, and I just....don't want to lose you."

[conjuredskies]

Leaning against Felix is an invitation for Felix to stroke his cheek, obviously. It’s not just to soothe Jim. There’s an odd sensation in his stomach, and he can’t tell if it’s relief that Jim is admitting all this or the nerves of deciding what to say. Not that that matters so much, at that last part.

“You won’t. I don’t expect you to cheat or to- to lie about anything that matters. That’s not your nature.” He pauses. “And I don’t know why you still think you’re going to scare me off. You’re brash and quick, you know what you want and you don’t hesitate to pursue it. But you’re not cruel, or callous.” He leans closer, the better to murmur in Jim’s ear. “Believe me, I’m not so easy to frighten.”

[smartass_captain]

Jim's not used to this.

Not used to being treated with kindness and compassion. Not used to being heard or understood. And while he doesn't fully believe Felix (because he doesn't yet know what secrets Jim keeps locked away), he does want to. He wants Felix to be right and for this to work so badly.

He's terrified of ruining it.

"God--" Jim sighs at the breath on his ear, shivering slightly. Does Felix know how deep this goes for Jim? How hard he's fallen? Jim twists in his seat and pushes Felix deeper into the cushions with an intense kiss.

[conjuredskies]

Felix isn't prepared for the sudden turn. Emotional or physical. He returns the kiss more gently, shifting his arm around Jim to steady the captain...

But there's a nagging thought that perhaps this isn't how talks like this should go. When there's a moment to break the kiss for breath he catches Jim's chin with his free hand, searching his face while he catches his breath.

"...Feeling any better?" He can't think of any good way to ask a question he isn't even sure of.

[smartass_captain]

No, no Jim isn't feeling better. Not in the way Felix means.

But his options to end the conversation either involve doing or saying mean things to Felix to scare him off, drinking, exercising, or fucking. Jim doesn't want to be afraid. Doesn't want to hurt and mourn and be confused.

Jim'd rather forget for even a moment, focus instead on Felix and the angle of his jaw and his neck and his mouth. Plus, he's grateful for the other for trying to help. For being here for him. Clearly he is just showing his appreciation.

"Yeah, I'll be okay." It's close enough to the truth. Leaves room for it to be true, at least, even if he's not okay now.

[conjuredskies]

“In time,” he agrees, nodding ever so slightly in acceptance of the qualification. It’s never so simple. He knows that. And maybe that’s the danger, that it’s so easy to assume Jim’s dealing with it as best as he can. That all he needs is time.
He still hesitates before returning to the kissing.

“Just… remember that I want to help,” he adds softly. His hand moves from Jim’s chin to cup the side of his face. “Whatever I can do. Whenever you need it.”

[smartass_captain]

"So when I wake up in a few hours screaming---help me then." Jim murmurs, wondering if Felix understands that request, and what it promises. The permission to see Jim at his weakest, most broken. His pulse races as adrenaline floods him as soon as it leaves his lips. He's afraid. But he doesn't take it back.

He kisses Felix with more urgency instead, moving to climb into the other's lap. Desperate for contact to know he's not alone.

He's shaking slightly, hoping he won't have nightmares and hoping Felix agrees to stay even though he also hopes he won't. It's complicated and Jim doesn't know what he wants, but he does know he trusts Felix.

[conjuredskies]

"I will." The promise is given with barely a thought. Does he understand? Perhaps not in the moment, but comprehension follows. No-one who's been through such things as Jim rests easy, and he knew the captain wasn't much of a sleeper.

He doesn't regret the promise, still. There's no backing out. He pulls Jim closer, onto his lap where he can slide both arms around him and hold him closer. It's so strange to feel the brash, arrogant captain shaking - it just isn't right, and he kisses back with a fierce urgency of his own in response. As if to insist to Jim how much he's wanted, how determined the Imperial is to stay.

He's not letting go any time soon.

[smartass_captain]

He's burning.

Burning from the inside out. Everything hurts. Aches. Dulls.

Jim has to drag himself out of the warp core. He keeps almost blacking out, nausea hitting him in waves that keeps him focused and alive. There's shards of glass in his hands and legs, lacerations. They're hardly worth noting. The radiation poisoning is shutting down his organs, sending his brain into a panic even Jim Kirk can't ignore.

He's terrified and he is alone. He doesn't know if he made it in time; if the ship is okay. If this was a wasted effort. All he knows is what had to be done. Everything webs at the edges...and Jim Kirk dies alone.

Jim doesn't wake with a scream but with a strangled gasp, choking as his lungs desperately try to breathe. He doesn't know where he is at first, woken by the panic attack that seizes him mind, body, and soul. He can't breathe. Jim thrashes out of the sheets, nude and uncaring at the soreness he feels from the waist down as he stumbles into the bathroom he shares with his first officer and huddles down into the corner, arms wrapped around himself tightly as he gasps weakly on the floor.

Everything hurts. There's lingering phantom pain from his dreams, and the panic attack is flooding him with a dull ache everywhere from the tension refusing to leave his muscles.

[conjuredskies]

Felix is jerked from sleep by the thrashing at his side and the sudden cold. His instinctive assumption is an attack and he scrambles from the bed, stumbling onto his feet, spells in hand as he looks around anxiously. Assassins? Bears? No-no, wait, that's... not here. His alarmed attention settles on Jim... or where Jim ought to be.

He hurries to the door of the bathroom, peering in anxiously to see what's become of the captain. When he sees Jim on the floor... Felix lets out a shaky exhale and pads over to crouch in front of him.

"Jim?" he asks quietly. The memory of that request has come back to him, and he knows what he's looking at. More or less. He reaches out to touch Jim's shoulder cautiously. All right, Caelus. Stay calm. Don't let your nerves be shaken just because the man you love is curled up like a dying spriggan. "Can you... um. Can you hear me?"

[smartass_captain]

He's alone.

Jim sobs into his knees, really nothing more than a shuddering breath, threatening to steal away the air he's finally been able to get. He died alone. It feels so real every time. Hurts so much.

There's a hum underneath his feet and Jim knows he's on the ship. Immediately he thinks of the door down in engineering and he keens in panic at the memory, ricking back and forth.

He has to calm down. Has to stay quiet, or Spock will hear him and wake up. Jim struggles to breathe, struggles to keep quiet. Something appears in the doorway and Jim flinches away, trying to get even further into the corner. Out of sight. He rocks harder, back and forth. Whimpers quietly.

He died.

He died alone.

[conjuredskies]

Jim isn't responding, and despite his promise Felix isn't sure how to help. But he knows panic when he sees it and that... that's familiar enough to latch onto. Something to distract from the wrench in his gut at the sight of Jim flinching into a corner.

"Jim, it's all right." He keeps his tone sure and soothing, keeps talking steadily. "It's just me. Felix. You're safe, I promise." He isn't sure, after that flinch, if touching is such a good idea. For now he shifts around so he can kneel beside Jim. He's going to keep talking until he's hoarse or it helps, whichever comes first.

It hurts to watch, more than he could have expected. Seeing Jim reduced to a sobbing, terrified shell of himself. What is he seeing, now? What in Talos's name did they do to him?

[smartass_captain]

More often than not in his dreams Jim dies alone.

Sometimes Spock is there like he should be. Sometimes Bones or Scotty. His new family. Friends he's made in the Nexus. And sometimes, it's Khan. Watching, smiling, while Jim breathes his last, promising to kill every single person on the ship with his bare hands.

Jim knows he can. Will.

There's a ringing in his ears that fades to a buzz as the dream finally starts to bleed away from his panicked brain. He's still hyperventilating, but he can see the sonic shower. Knows he's in the bathroom. The ship. His quarters.

He didn't die. It still hurts so much. The memory of the pain hurts.

And...

Jim isn't alone. He crashes back to reality with the intensity of a meteorite striking land. His face goes rigid, blue eyes snapping into focus and an intense blue gaze latched onto Felix. He pales and withdraws, shame marring his features and so obvious to read on his face. It gets washed over by self loathing almost as quickly and Jim sucks in a breath and holds it. Forces himself to stop gasping, sobbing.

Slowly, he wrestles his composure into some semblance of control. He's not, but he can't let Felix see--his lungs spasm and Jim tries to breathe deep again, tries to get a handle on himself. He hates this. He hates himself.

He turns wet eyes away from Felix.

"S...sorry. J..just..gi-hive me a...a minute." Jim struggles to speak, bitterness in his voice.

[conjuredskies]

He can see Jim snapping back to the world, and for a moment relief touches his worried expression. It fades when Jim immediately recoils all over again. Trying to force himself into that rigid mask. It makes Felix' chest tighten to watch, as if in sympathy.

"It's all right," he repeats, and now he dares to touch Jim. Brushing the damp from his cheek, running his hand back to stroke the back of his neck and shoulders. A steady motion, a rhythm to encourage his body to slow itself. "You did warn me. Take your time and just... find your breath."

[smartass_captain]

"It's not alright." Jim's breath is ragged. Sharp. "This isn't alright. I'm not..."

He shrugs and squeezes his eyes shut. Bites his lip and sobs while his body shakes. Like this Jim is fragments and sharp pieces. Insides rubbed raw and ugly.

"...Helo me get back t'bed." He finally looks up again, defeated. "Don' want Spock t'come in..."

[conjuredskies]

Felix can't argue with him. There's nothing okay about him being in this state. He keeps his mouth shut for a minute, just ducks his head in a nod and doesn't take his hand from Jim's back. Doesn't break contact.

When Jim looks up he nods again, pushes himself to his feet so he can help Jim up. Gently- the way Jim's still clenched in on himself, it won't be easy to uncurl suddenly. He glances around for a towel he can use to help dry the sweat and tears. Otherwise he can just use a sheet when they get back to the other room.