A day in the life of....

[smartass_captain]

Captain's Log. Star Date 1315.79

I buried my back-up pilot today under the twin suns of an alien world.

It should have been a simple mission. We're obligated to answer any and all strange readings or distress signals we find while on our exploration. Everyone knows the risks. This never gets any easier.

Star Date 1312.11

Beta Shift had ended. I was scheduled to work Gamma shift and spent the hour before hand enjoying a game of chess with some of the other Gamma shift bridge crew. I do rounds of shifts to make sure every shift of the bridge runs as smoothly as possible. My best and brightest may be who I rely on in emergencies, but they need their rest too. And my back up shift is almost as good. I made sure of that when I became captain.

People like Gary Mitchell and Lee Kelso.

Old classmates from my time in the Academy. Gary especially. He and I had history dating back to my time in Starfleet. He and Kelso were a year my senior.

Gamma shift began with acting captain and first officer Mr. Spock informing me of a distress signal we had come across near the edge of the quadrant. An ancient distress beacon from the SS Valiant. Those versed in their Starfleet history will remember the vessel as the flagship of the Federation in its time and one of the first vessels tasked with exploring the edge of the galaxy. We had it beamed aboard to analyze its contents.

Unsettling logs at first look.

Severe damage to the ship; source: unknown. Six bridge crew killed and a seventh in critical condition. Something about extra-sensory perception and the captains final frantic order for the ship to self destruct.

We assumed the data to be garbled and set about retrieving all of the logs that we could. Lt. Uhura was placed in charge of the task. Her talents in xenolinguistics are without peer. I regret asking her to stay on past her shift, but we needed that data.

Stardate 1312.33

Uncharted territory. We are officially where no man has gone before. Would that I could celebrate this achievement but we encountered an energy field that has knocked us out of Warp 1. Fire on the bridge. Yellow alert given. Nine crew members across the ship deceased due to seizures caused by an unknown source. Mitchell in critical condition in Medbay.

Enterprise is crippled. Kirk out.

Chief Engineering Log, Supplemental

Warp capabilities are offline, ship cannae run on anything but impulse power and those engines are cracked. We'd need a Starbase to fix the damage. The Captain has called an Alpha Shift meeting. Went to tell him about the impulse engines but he already knows. How can he know? I only just discovered it. Says Mitchell told him about it in Medbay.

Captain's Log, 1312.41

The ship is crippled, all of my deceased crew showed heightened extra-sensory abilities before they succumbed. Gary is still alive and his abilities are the highest of all. He's becoming aggressive and his eyes are an opaque silver. It's unnerving. I'm not sure how much longer we can keep him in observation. He's moving things with his mind, getting in our heads. Bones is spooked. I have to admit.

So am I.

We're as good as dead if we can't repair the impulse power. It's holding for now. We're changing course to Theta Varis, where an old lithium cracking facility might have what we need to make some emergency repairs.

Spock is urging me to leave Mitchell there.

Abandon him? On an uninhabited planet? Gary is my friend and a member of my crew. Personal feelings and history aside, I will not give up on anyone in my crew so easily. Mr. Spock says the only other option is to kill him.

While we still can.

Stardate 1315.23

We had to sedate Mitchell. Constantly. He's getting more powerful. We've reached Theta Varis. Mr. Kelso, Mr. Scott, myself, and Commander Spock will be heading planetside. Kelso and Scott to obtain the necessary items for repairing the ship. Myself and Spock for...detaining Mitchell.

We have no choice.

I have to believe he can be helped. Can be saved. Until we figure out how, I have to leave him behind.

First Officer's Log, Supplmentary

The creature that was once Gary Mitchell has escaped from custody after attacking Captain Kirk and stunning myself. Has used his newfound abilities to force Mr. Lee Kelso to take his own life. Mr. Kelso would have been aware the entire time, begging for his life from what was once a lifelong friend.

It is no longer human, however, it does retain Mitchell's memories. Memories of jealousy over the Captain's prowess at the Academy. Of abuse in their personal history. Of ambition when the Captain obtained his rank. I must locate Jim.

It will torture him. And then make him kill himself too.

...

It has the Captain. Forcing him to relive past traumas. Creating life out of this wasteland with a mere thought. The plasma rifle will no longer harm what it is becoming. It is taking pleasure in watching Jim struggle. Forcing him to his knees. Begging for the lives of his crew. I do not know if Jim is speaking freely, or if this creature is dragging the words out of him by force.

I must create a distraction.

Captain's Log 1315.79

He was himself, at the end. Fought that thing off long enough to beg me to kill him. I took Gary Mitchell's life with the plasma rifle we had originally brought down for security purposes. We buried the dead on Theta Varis. It is too dangerous to even keep their bodies aboard the ship for a proper transfer home.

Not just the dead. My friends. My crew.

I know it is my job to bear this pain. The lives of the rest of my crew depend on it.

Kirk out.

Comments

[conjuredskies]

He still isn't used to the technology around here. He startles outright at the sound of Jim's voice, snatching his hand back before he realizes what the captain's voice is saying. It's just a record. A record of... well.

Any stray thoughts about whether he really ought to be listening to this are swiftly brushed aside. Perhaps this way he can learn the details Jim still can't bear to speak of. Concern and anticipation mingle with flashes of affection as he listens and learns of a mystery demanding investigation, and a corrupting influence, and just what it inflicted on his captain.

When it finishes he fidgets with the PADD until he figures out how to play it again. He needs to take in the whole story. Needs to understand so he can find some way to help.

Though he could do without hearing any more of the suppressed grief and anguish that tautens Jim's voice, tries to choke his words.

He finds himself sitting down again, contemplating the stars of this world. Wondering if this void too harbors beings akin to daedra: ancient powers, vast and inhumane. Why would they inflict such curses on men, if so? What would they hope to gain - or gift?

[smartass_captain]

Felix will find stills from Starfleet's security attached to the logs. Moving images of who must be Gary Mitchell with his eyes clouded over by some unknown force, moving objects around the Medbay with ease without touching them. Handwritten forms scanned into the system as attachments. Letters to the deceased's families, written personally by Jim.

After the third time Felix has listened all the way through and read whatever details he'd like, there's a noise at the door. Jim's finished with whatever meeting drug him out of his quarters. The controlled face he put on with his crew is slipping even as the door finishes shutting. Jim leans back, bumping his head against the door to his quarters and giving a deep sigh.

Bones had told him to rest. For once, Jim's inclined to agree with him. Because he's not alone. He's honestly a little surprised Felix stuck around. Jim cracks open an eye and gives a weak smile the Imperial's way.

"Miss me?"

[conjuredskies]

He finds the attachments before he sets up the third play-through, though the letters seem too personal to read once he sees what they are. The footage of Mitchell is less unsettling, in many ways. He's seen telekinesis before, albeit usually with more of an accompanying light-show. Felix's attention is more on Mitchell himself: on his eyes, his face. Trying to get some sense of the man, or... what remained in his place.

He tries to close the files quickly when he hears Jim at the door, but winds up just dropping the PADD on the desk and stepping away hastily. Never mind if he's caught. What matters is what he knows now.

"I was starting to worry there was another crisis," he answers, aiming for a light tone. He manages better with the next part. "Or that your crew had kidnapped you for a drink." His smile is slight, an echo of Jim's own as he comes over. He can't help studying Jim's face anew, aware now of how much he's been holding back and how well he's done so.

It's almost exasperating, if he's honest with himself. But exasperation with Jim just translates into the urge to hold him and kiss him until he sees sense. Although... admittedly most of Felix's emotions seem to lead that way, these days. Maybe now isn't quite the right time for the kissing part.

[smartass_captain]

Jim shrugs easily, shaking his head. As if he'd have stood Felix up unless there was some sort of emergency.

"Scotty offered, but I told him I had other things to do yet." The implications there would normally be a brand of Jim's own inappropriate humor. Tonight, it's exactly what it sounds like--an excuse. There's something different in Felix's gaze now, one that has JIm tilting his head in question to it.

"What is it?"

[conjuredskies]

"Er- what?" Felix blinks, caught out and surprised by that. More than he should be, by now. He hesitates, as if he can hide the way his helpless confusion's receded, or the faint pensiveness tinging his expression.

Should he try to lie? Could he, to Jim? Is there a point besides avoiding confessing to accidentally 'reading' the captain's mail? Well, semi-accidentally. At least the first time.

Forget all that, points out the sharper part of his mind, overriding the younger-brother instincts. Is this in any way a good time to be hiding things from Jim?

That's an easy question.

"Um." He looks sheepish, runs a hand through his hair before confessing. "Well, I was looking around and sort of poked the computer on your desk..."

[smartass_captain]

"My console? Don't worry about it--I'm sure you couldn't have hurt anything. I did tell you to make yourself at home." Jim starts to smile when he sees the PADD on his desk, dropped arbitrarily at the corner as though someone had been in a hurry to get up.

The logs. The mission.

Jim sucks in a breath, sharply aware of everything Felix could have seen and heard suddenly. He isn't sure whether to be angry or relieved, for not needing to try and talk about it any longer. His logs were a matter of public record, hardly secret to anyone technically.

"Oh, that." Jim sighs and runs a hand though his hair. "Yeah that's...what happened. The rest of the story."

[conjuredskies]

Felix nods. Unsure on what was meant to be public or not. He wouldn't blame Jim for being angry. But he's relieved that's not what comes out.

"I didn't read all of the... written files, but the rest... sorry." It's only half true, though. He's not sorry he learned the truth.

He hesitates, ventures, "It sounds as if you did everything you could."

[smartass_captain]

"He was one hell of a navigator." Jim says, through grit teeth. "He was an asshole and a manipulative son of a bitch, but I thought I could handle it. Thought we were friends, again. We played chess together. Poured over mission logs on beta shift."

He shrugs and moves over to the couch so he can sit down.

"It made me relive the worst things. The best. so real, so brief, so intense." Jim sighs and leans his head back again. "I wanted to punch the shit out of him, and then he begs me to kill him. What am I supposed to do? To feel?"

[conjuredskies]

"Confusion?" Felix sits beside him, head canted to watch his face. "Anger. Sorrow. The things anyone would feel if something reached inside their head and turned out all the drawers. It used him to understand how to attack. What would hurt you most." His tone hardens slightly at that: it's hard not to think on Spock's words and suspect that Mitchell had all too many ideas in that direction.

"Some people," he adds more neutrally, "just aren't very good at settling their debts and moving on. No matter what they say. Even if they mean it."

[smartass_captain]

"...Fuck."

Jim groans and squeezes his eyes shut.

"There's no one left to lash out at. I've been good about not snapping at my crew, but I feel like screaming." How does Jim explain to his crew--to anyone really-- that no, the worst part of all of this was having to relive Gary using him, humiliating him, taking advantage and then crying for Jim to save him, to kill him and put him out of his misery.

"God damn it...I'm such an idiot...."

[conjuredskies]

"I don't think you are," Felix says quietly. "You're just the one left to try and make some sense of this mess." He reaches over to clasp Jim's hand. It's hard to watch him struggle with this and have so little help to offer. "And your people have no experience with things like this, do they?"

[smartass_captain]

Jim shoves at Felix's hand, bristling visibly with barely contained emotion. His kneejerk reaction is that Felix is pitying him, and fire flashes through Jim's eyes before it fades just as quickly. He sighs, flinches, looking apologetic instead.

"Sorry. I...fuck. Sorry."

Way to be a huge asshole Jim. You have the most understanding and amazing person in any world for company, and you treat them like shit. God this is why he shouldn't be doing this. Any of this.

"No. We don't have esp and shit like that. There's some telepathy. Spock's species are touch telepaths. But."

[conjuredskies]

Felix makes a tactical retreat – not far, but he pulls his hand back, accepts the rejection. The look in Jim’s eyes makes it clear this isn’t the time. Or that wasn’t the right move. Either way Felix will give him a little space.

“It’s all right. I just…” He hesitates. “Do you wish you could talk to him? Wrest some answers out? Which is not some kind of necromantic offer, just to be clear,” he adds hastily. It seems important to emphasize.

[smartass_captain]

Jim's not sure why this is annoying him. Maybe he's looking for a fight. Probably, though, he's looking for an Out of the conversation. Anything, even getting thrown against the wall or punched has to be better than facing his inner demons. And Jim knows how to handle himself in a fight. Knows how to let emotions boil over and spill out, vitriolic words as sharp as his blows.

He doesn't know how to do this.

So he squirms and snaps and then calms down again, trying his best to open up. He's trying so hard, Felix.

"When he was making me relive old times...he showed us together." Jim gestures but Felix should get it. He knows what kind of together Jim is with anyone that's not Felix. "Showed him messing around, telling me I shouldn't be surprised he was. That he assumed I would be, too. Showed me how angry he was when I made Captain. How jealous and bitter. Who had I blown to get where I was?" Jim's mumbling now, shifting slightly in discomfort as he talks about these things.

"I...I'm almost afraid to know how much of that was Gary. I'm more afraid that it was real. And not the thing taking him over.

[conjuredskies]

Felix doesn’t know what he’s doing either. He’s comforted people before, sure. Fancies he has a knack for soothing their cares away. But that’s for small stuff. Rejections, homesickness, daily frustrations. He’s not used to being on this end of a betrayal. A tragedy, if that’s the name for it.

But as long as Jim’s talking he has Felix’s silent attention. He can feel what it’s costing the captain to keep going, to share these aching secrets. Every word is a gift, and he’s treating it as such. His concerned expression doesn’t change when Jim speaks of his relationship with Mitchell, such as it was. When there is a frown, a flickering anger in his eyes, it’s at the man’s maltreatment of Jim – callous, dishonorable, crude.

Such a fool.

“He knew you. He should have known better. Maybe… the true Gary did.” Maybe Felix could guess. But who’s to say his knowledge will apply to strange space spirits? Or more importantly, that it’s anything Jim wants to hear?

[smartass_captain]

"I thought....at the time, I mean...I thought we were decent. We were both cocky, smart, antagonistic. It was a very extreme kind of thing. We laughed together until we cried, fought until we bled, and well..." Jim shrugs. "Guess I was the only one. It's not a huge deal. Wouldn't be the first time, won't be the last."

Jim freezes then, sucks in a sharp breath.

"Well. I mean. Maybe it will. I'd...shit. I'm just the worst." He sighs, buries his head in his hands. "Goddammit. I didn't mean...I don't..I don't think you're just gonna walk off at the drop of a hat. Fuck I'm sorry."

He'd have every good reason to leave though. Listen to him. Jim is a walking goddamn wreck. He's not worth Felix's time or affections.

[conjuredskies]

It stings a little, even unintentionally, but the hurried apology makes up for that. Maybe it's less hearing the words than trying to imagine if... if it were true. Felix blinks, gives Jim a look that's equal parts exasperated affection and confusion.

"I certainly hope to make it the last," he comments dryly, leaning closer and wrapping an arm over Jim's shoulders. "It's fine, don't apologize.I know what you meant." He thinks. How many times were there? How can Jim's luck have been so cruel to him?

Why is he trying to brush things off when they clearly cut so deep?

"But you don't have to try and pretend it meant so little," he adds in a murmur. "You're good at hiding your wounds, Jim, but you don't... don't need to. I want to help."

[smartass_captain]

"Felix..." Jim sighs and curls in tightly around himself for a moment. "It shouldn't have meant anything. And it's not like I pined after it was over. I'm not holding onto feelings for the guy. But...I also didn't want to have our history shoved in my head right before I had to kill a guy I thought I was finally friends with again."

He leans his head against Felix.

"People assume I'll cheat on them so they do. People assume I'll lie to them, so they do. Or I'll fuck it up by letting them get a glimpse of how I really am, and it scares them off. It's happened a lot. I don't want it to happen with you. But I don't know how. I'm selfish and physical with a quick temper. I work too much and eat too little, and I tend to say whatever is on my mind, even if it's an asshole thing to say. I like arguing, I like fucking, and I just....don't want to lose you."

[conjuredskies]

Leaning against Felix is an invitation for Felix to stroke his cheek, obviously. It’s not just to soothe Jim. There’s an odd sensation in his stomach, and he can’t tell if it’s relief that Jim is admitting all this or the nerves of deciding what to say. Not that that matters so much, at that last part.

“You won’t. I don’t expect you to cheat or to- to lie about anything that matters. That’s not your nature.” He pauses. “And I don’t know why you still think you’re going to scare me off. You’re brash and quick, you know what you want and you don’t hesitate to pursue it. But you’re not cruel, or callous.” He leans closer, the better to murmur in Jim’s ear. “Believe me, I’m not so easy to frighten.”

[smartass_captain]

Jim's not used to this.

Not used to being treated with kindness and compassion. Not used to being heard or understood. And while he doesn't fully believe Felix (because he doesn't yet know what secrets Jim keeps locked away), he does want to. He wants Felix to be right and for this to work so badly.

He's terrified of ruining it.

"God--" Jim sighs at the breath on his ear, shivering slightly. Does Felix know how deep this goes for Jim? How hard he's fallen? Jim twists in his seat and pushes Felix deeper into the cushions with an intense kiss.

[conjuredskies]

Felix isn't prepared for the sudden turn. Emotional or physical. He returns the kiss more gently, shifting his arm around Jim to steady the captain...

But there's a nagging thought that perhaps this isn't how talks like this should go. When there's a moment to break the kiss for breath he catches Jim's chin with his free hand, searching his face while he catches his breath.

"...Feeling any better?" He can't think of any good way to ask a question he isn't even sure of.

[smartass_captain]

No, no Jim isn't feeling better. Not in the way Felix means.

But his options to end the conversation either involve doing or saying mean things to Felix to scare him off, drinking, exercising, or fucking. Jim doesn't want to be afraid. Doesn't want to hurt and mourn and be confused.

Jim'd rather forget for even a moment, focus instead on Felix and the angle of his jaw and his neck and his mouth. Plus, he's grateful for the other for trying to help. For being here for him. Clearly he is just showing his appreciation.

"Yeah, I'll be okay." It's close enough to the truth. Leaves room for it to be true, at least, even if he's not okay now.

[conjuredskies]

“In time,” he agrees, nodding ever so slightly in acceptance of the qualification. It’s never so simple. He knows that. And maybe that’s the danger, that it’s so easy to assume Jim’s dealing with it as best as he can. That all he needs is time.
He still hesitates before returning to the kissing.

“Just… remember that I want to help,” he adds softly. His hand moves from Jim’s chin to cup the side of his face. “Whatever I can do. Whenever you need it.”

[smartass_captain]

"So when I wake up in a few hours screaming---help me then." Jim murmurs, wondering if Felix understands that request, and what it promises. The permission to see Jim at his weakest, most broken. His pulse races as adrenaline floods him as soon as it leaves his lips. He's afraid. But he doesn't take it back.

He kisses Felix with more urgency instead, moving to climb into the other's lap. Desperate for contact to know he's not alone.

He's shaking slightly, hoping he won't have nightmares and hoping Felix agrees to stay even though he also hopes he won't. It's complicated and Jim doesn't know what he wants, but he does know he trusts Felix.

[conjuredskies]

"I will." The promise is given with barely a thought. Does he understand? Perhaps not in the moment, but comprehension follows. No-one who's been through such things as Jim rests easy, and he knew the captain wasn't much of a sleeper.

He doesn't regret the promise, still. There's no backing out. He pulls Jim closer, onto his lap where he can slide both arms around him and hold him closer. It's so strange to feel the brash, arrogant captain shaking - it just isn't right, and he kisses back with a fierce urgency of his own in response. As if to insist to Jim how much he's wanted, how determined the Imperial is to stay.

He's not letting go any time soon.