Not a time to Celebrate

[smartass_captain]

Jim's made it. Holidays are done, big damn speech over, all without alerting the crew to how detached their Captain has become in the last week and a half. With all the extra shifts he'd taken on over Christmas, it would be easy to assume Bones made him take the day off to rest and recuperate.

They'd be wrong.

Bones knew Jim wouldn't be on shift on the Fourth. He never does much of anything that day. If the end of December drains the light out of the Captain's smile, then the first week of January looks like it's killing him. He and Spock tried to get him out of his quarters and focused on something--anything else. But Jim's shut himself away in his room. There's a holo set up on his desk of a man who looks an awful lot like Jim, standing happily beside his mother.

Jim stares at it from his seat, before burying his head in his hands. His birthday isn't something to celebrate. It's a reminder of the tragedy that changed everything.

Comments

[smartass_captain]

"I must admit, Captain. ...Jim. Doctor McCoy refused Nyota's request to schedule a dinner celebration this evening. He said you were not feeling well. It was only when I asked that he told me the generalities of what is troubling you so. You cannot blame your father's death on yourself. It is illogical, as you were born during the incident."

"Like you don't feel guilty for your Mother's death, Spock? Like Verity doesn't guilt herself over the loss of her family, or driving away her best friend? It's a goddamned holiday, Spock. It shouldn't be. Of course I'm fucking miserable. I lived, and he didn't. That's why everything fell apart."

His mother never could look at him without seeing his father, Jim knows it. Years of strangled birthday celebrations cut short with his mother breaking down, or just eventually never being on planet for it. His birthday isn't something to be celebrated. It's just a reminder of all the better people who are gone.

"...It is true." Spock says finally, getting to his feet. He knows the emotions Jim Kirk holds within him. He has felt them before. He gives Verity a long look, before picking up the teapot. "Jim. There are people who see value in you, rather than loss. Ms. Willis. Will you be adequate on your own? The captain...Jim...would not want his crew to be overworried, so I'm afraid I must return to the bridge before someone comes asking after him."

[brave_heart_verity]

That was a low blow, and she can't hide how much it hurt. But however much pain there is, there's also resolve, and when she's blinked away the tears she only looks more determined. Spock gets a slight nod and she'll spare him the attempt to smile. "Yeah, we'll be fine. I've weathered worse storms."

Then she turns to Jim. If he'd been expecting her to yell, he's going to be disappointed. Her tone is soft, gentle even. "You think I don't know what you're trying to do? Sweetie, you can be as mean as you wanna be today, you're not getting rid of me that easy. You're my brother. I'm not abandoning you to your misplaced grief and skewed self-perception. If you want to spend the rest of the day telling me I'm a horrible person because you think it'll make you feel better, that's fine. I've got no place to be."

[smartass_captain]

Good.

Fuck, he's awful. Bringing up Spock's mom? Anything about Ver's world? He's just the worst. It's working though. Spock's uncomfortable enough now to prioritize the goddamned ship like he should be, and Verity's going to tell him how awful he is and leave.

They're all gonna leave.

"...?" Verity's not yelling. And she's not getting up. His stomach twists and Jim shakes his head. "If you wanna get shitfaced with me like I did for you, then let's go nuts. But that's about all I'm good for right now. I can't sleep, and I can't go anywhere...and you're not gonna fuck off just because I proved how shitty I am, so..." He shrugs.

[brave_heart_verity]

"All you've proven to me is that you're hurting," she answers quietly, reaching over to cover one of his hands with her own. "I can recognize your pain because I feel it too. Don't get me wrong, when you're feeling better, you're going to owe me a massive apology. But for right now, I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere."

His hand gets a squeeze before she withdraws her own. "I had a feeling drinking would be your escape of choice, so I brought you some choices. First is a bottle of Talrassian liquer I managed to hunt down. Second is a bottle of applejack made near where I grew up." Both are put on the table. "I figured, with your love of apples and drinking, that'd be just your thing."

[smartass_captain]

"I'm not promising dick right now Ver. I wanted to be alone. Nobody took the hint and Bones even goddamned told Spock. Which means the whole bridge is gonna know as soon as Uhura bullies him into spilling. If you know how it feels are you doing this to me? Why are you making me feel even worse by letting me be the colossal waste of space that I am? I'm pissed, and I'm..."

Lonely. Depressed. Exhausted. He hasn't even recovered from Christmas and now this. His nightmares have been awful lately and he's low. Low enough to think the things daytime Kirk wouldn't.

"I'm just fucking tired of feeling like this."

[brave_heart_verity]

"I'm doing this because not being alone is what helps me feel better, and I'm pretty sure it'll help you too."

And because she can see how tired he is, she saw what his mom's visit did to him, she can read public records, and he told her enough for her to put these pieces together.

Jesus, Jim. She's not stupid.

"You're not a waste of space, sweetie. You're a good man. I'm sorry your mom can't see that. You deserve a better mother than you got."

[smartass_captain]

Jim doesn't think she's stupid. He just wishes there was something different to see than what there is. He's ashamed Verity sees what she does. Every day he loses a little bit more of the control he has over what he wants people to see, and what's there. And while he wants to trust, so so badly, all he's ever known when people see what's there is rejection.

"...At least you didn't bring fucking Felix here." Jim presses the palms of his hands against his eyes until the pressure makes him see spots behind his eyes. It helps with the headache. "I'm just...not, Ver. I'm not ever gonna be the hero my dad was." Like he hasn't already given his life for his crew.

"I'm never gonna be able to give my mom back the family she deserved. She never used to be that way. Sam wouldn't have lost everything, fucking Frank wouldn't have even been in the picture. I don't fucking love them, but I don't hate them. I can't. I never should have walked away from half the shit that's happened to me. And now people are willing to goddamn die for me? Why the fuck do people depend on me? I can't...I can't do anything right for myself."

[aw_hawkguy]

Hey, Jim, you've got another text incoming.

Hey bro. Thought this'd make you laugh. As Doc Strange would say, GAZE UPON INFINITY!

I don't think Doc Strange has anything for that kind of insanity.

[brave_heart_verity]

It sucks that she's fighting against expectations set by other people, but that's life. She'll manage, someday. They both will.

For now, not sniggering at his phrasing will have to suffice as a victory. His relationship with Felix is a discussion for another time. While he's got his eyes covered she moves, chair scraping against the floor when she rises, and soon her arms are around him. "We aren't our parents. We aren't meant to be replacements for them, we're our own people."

One thing at a time. She gives him a chance to breathe and process that before she goes on. "It was never your job to fix your mom's life. She was the adult, it was her job to fix things for you. You did nothing wrong. Nothing. Not a single itty bitty thing. Being born when you were born didn't make your dad die, it didn't make him choose to stay behind, it didn't obligate you to anything other than being your own wonderful self."

Maru-ception!

[smartass_captain]

Too many people are getting too close to the Truth, and Jim's scared. He's barely functional, and the expectations that are on him just because he got lucky a few times are staggering. He shouldn't be here, in charge, or even alive. Hell, he shouldn't have made it off the goddamned ship to be born. His dad gave his life for that one. Then his aunt. Then Pike.

What if he lost Verity and Clint, too? That's why you never get close to people. He already can't bear the idea of losing Bones or Spock--or really most of his crew. Verity and Clint just make that burden worse. He's too attached. Too exposed and then to throw another wrench on the pile he's in love with a guy from a goddamned other world. Yes he knows Jim isn't stupid. He's hopelessly falling for the Imperial and there is just no way this will end well. Zero. None.

Life was better when he didn't care. No. No it wasn't. And it wasn't really living, either. Letting himself get used to feel needed, if only for a night. Winning over women he never learned the name of to feel wanted, and then leaving them before they could leave him. That wasn't living.

"So many people have died for me Ver. I'm...I'm tired of losing folks. I'm tired of them walking away. Tired of them dying so I can live. I'm not worth that." He smiles, and it's a sad, empty twitch of his muscles. "I didn't want to die, back on the ship. But I was so happy it was me, this time. I was so happy that I got to protect someone else, for a change. And...I was so fucking scared, when I woke up again. I was sure everyone was dead and I'd been reaming. I have nightmares about dying, and it feels so real. And I always wake up. And I hate it. I want it to stop. I want to stop hurting."

Where is that booze? Jim can't take this. He's shaking.

[aw_hawkguy]

Is Jim's phone even on? Doesn't matter, here comes another text.

Hey, does this remind you of anyone?

[brave_heart_verity]

That wasn't living. This is living. Love and pain and regret and hope, that's life. That's what he needs to let himself feel. Easier said.

"I know, sweetie. I know you want to stop hurting. But you have to deal with all these things you're feeling before that can happen. And it's fucking terrifying. It's hard and it's unfair. But I'm here with you through all of it. I promise." She's still hugging him, that way she does when it's what he needs. There's plenty to drink if he wants that, too.

"You're willing to die for your crew. Are you willing to live for them? For your family? For yourself?"

[smartass_captain]

"I'm so messed up...." It's such a simple sentence. He doesn't pull away from the hug. His shaking fingers cling to her sleeve.

Sorry, Clint, his phone is being ignored for now, but when he checks it he'll have no choice but to smile. They both like baby brother Jim the way he is, jagged pieces and all. More people would, too, if he'd give them the chance.

"...'m sorry, Ver."

[brave_heart_verity]

"Yeah. Most people are." If he didn't know that, he's not paying attention. She drops a kiss on his forehead when she feels his fingers starting to cling. "We'll deal with it. You don't have to do it all alone."

"What are you apologizing for?" She can't know if he deserves forgiveness or a smack upside the head unless he specifies.

[smartass_captain]

"Trying to chase you out. Gotta apologize to Spock too. "

There's a long sigh before Jim just sinks deeper into his seat and sister's embrace. He doesn't want to be seen like this. But it's so much better than being alone.

"Getting drunk now isn't really going to help me, is it?"

[brave_heart_verity]

"I forgive you." Forgiveness comes with a little squeeze. She's got him, he doesn't need to worry. He's safe now.

"Well... blackout drunk would be counterproductive. Relaxed enough to talk about what you're feeling is allowable. Why do you think I brought so much food, hmm?" She's in no position, morally or physically, to tell him drinking isn't an acceptable part of dealing with things. "And I made you a big comfy blanket... I need someone to test it for me, make sure it's as good as it looks. I've never done arm knitting before."

[smartass_captain]

"..Mmk." Jim nods slowly. He doesn't make any move to get a drink at first, but just knowing he's allowed to makes him feel a bit better. When he does, he'll get some of the Applejack because Ver brought that for him and it sounds good. He sips at it, rather than slamming it down like he usually does.

The activity is a distraction and a comfort. It gives him something else to do.

"If I could sleep without nightmares, that'd be a miracle." Mumble mumble sip.

[brave_heart_verity]

She loosens her hold on him when he reaches for the bottles, but doesn't let go entirely. Not yet. Just enough for him to reach and her to shift so her back won't be entirely pissed at her later.

"The nightmares get better when you're not suppressing so many negative emotions," she points out quietly. "And in the meantime, I have something that can help. But my ability to get more is... uncertain, so we can't rely on it too much."

[smartass_captain]

"I can get sleep aids from Bones, too." Jim mumbles quietly. "I've had 'em before when I've been injured. He's offered, the only time I told him I was having nightmares, but I didn't want him to worry.....I didn't want anyone to worry." Snort. So much good that's done him.

"I know you found out...before. When you stayed with me. It's pretty much always like that, for the most part. Some nights are better than others."

[brave_heart_verity]

"Not sleep aids," she corrects gently, "it keeps you from dreaming. At all. I've been using it for a couple months and there haven't been any side effects I've found, which is why I didn't offer you any sooner. I wanted to make sure it was safe. Would you like to try some?"

[smartass_captain]

"...Yeah. I would." Jim sets the glass of Applejack aside. "You looked into this after...your birthday, right?" After her home. He doesn't blame her for not wanting to dream. Jim's own dreams have caused so many of the problems he lives with now. Memories and fears that eat away at him when he does manage to sleep.

"Glad it's safe. Now I don't have t'yell at you for taking strange drugs without saying anything." Another aborted attempt at humor. "We worry about you too, y'know."

[brave_heart_verity]

"Just after the ball," she admits. "Naugus knew what I was doing, I'm sure if anything had gone wrong he would have noticed. Don't worry, I was careful." Careful-ish. Close enough. The fact she didn't do worse things after what happened should make this seem like no big deal.

"Don't think sleeping is going to get you out of talking later. There's a lot you have to talk about. One good night's sleep isn't going to fix anything, not even your sleep deprivation. Are we clear?"

[smartass_captain]

"Mmh." Jim isn't thinking clearly enough to be able to formulate any sort of argument to her statement. "That's good."

"I talked now. Isn't that a start?" Jim massages his temples and sighs. "You're really making me want to go back to handling things th'way I have been for years, Ver. Not very solid salesmanship." He's tired. Emotionally, mentally, physically exhausted. His face hurts from crying, and he's vaguely nauseous from the shame that still burns whenever he thinks about how he must look right now.

"But I'd be happy to test out your blanket whatever."

[brave_heart_verity]

"A start, yeah. Not the end." She gives him a little squeeze before she goes to get something from her bag. "That wasn't 'handling things' and we both know it. I need your French press and some hot water to make this. And I don't care if you like the idea or not, if you want to get better you need to talk. It doesn't have to be with me, but with someone."

[smartass_captain]

"That shelf, right side, and replicator's over there for hot water." The fight's gone out of Jim. He can't even argue anymore. He just doesn't have the energy or the will to put up a fuss.

He knows she's probably right.

Process of elimination means it's probably going to be Bones or his siblings that hear about it. Or a professional in the Nexus. If Jim talks to anyone who follows Starfleet protocol, he'll probably be removed from duty, possibly grounded. Jim doesn't want that. This is his life. If he lost this....No, it's not even worth imagining.