Not a time to Celebrate

[smartass_captain]

Jim's made it. Holidays are done, big damn speech over, all without alerting the crew to how detached their Captain has become in the last week and a half. With all the extra shifts he'd taken on over Christmas, it would be easy to assume Bones made him take the day off to rest and recuperate.

They'd be wrong.

Bones knew Jim wouldn't be on shift on the Fourth. He never does much of anything that day. If the end of December drains the light out of the Captain's smile, then the first week of January looks like it's killing him. He and Spock tried to get him out of his quarters and focused on something--anything else. But Jim's shut himself away in his room. There's a holo set up on his desk of a man who looks an awful lot like Jim, standing happily beside his mother.

Jim stares at it from his seat, before burying his head in his hands. His birthday isn't something to celebrate. It's a reminder of the tragedy that changed everything.

Comments

[smartass_captain]

"...Yeah. I would." Jim sets the glass of Applejack aside. "You looked into this after...your birthday, right?" After her home. He doesn't blame her for not wanting to dream. Jim's own dreams have caused so many of the problems he lives with now. Memories and fears that eat away at him when he does manage to sleep.

"Glad it's safe. Now I don't have t'yell at you for taking strange drugs without saying anything." Another aborted attempt at humor. "We worry about you too, y'know."

[brave_heart_verity]

"Just after the ball," she admits. "Naugus knew what I was doing, I'm sure if anything had gone wrong he would have noticed. Don't worry, I was careful." Careful-ish. Close enough. The fact she didn't do worse things after what happened should make this seem like no big deal.

"Don't think sleeping is going to get you out of talking later. There's a lot you have to talk about. One good night's sleep isn't going to fix anything, not even your sleep deprivation. Are we clear?"

[smartass_captain]

"Mmh." Jim isn't thinking clearly enough to be able to formulate any sort of argument to her statement. "That's good."

"I talked now. Isn't that a start?" Jim massages his temples and sighs. "You're really making me want to go back to handling things th'way I have been for years, Ver. Not very solid salesmanship." He's tired. Emotionally, mentally, physically exhausted. His face hurts from crying, and he's vaguely nauseous from the shame that still burns whenever he thinks about how he must look right now.

"But I'd be happy to test out your blanket whatever."

[brave_heart_verity]

"A start, yeah. Not the end." She gives him a little squeeze before she goes to get something from her bag. "That wasn't 'handling things' and we both know it. I need your French press and some hot water to make this. And I don't care if you like the idea or not, if you want to get better you need to talk. It doesn't have to be with me, but with someone."

[smartass_captain]

"That shelf, right side, and replicator's over there for hot water." The fight's gone out of Jim. He can't even argue anymore. He just doesn't have the energy or the will to put up a fuss.

He knows she's probably right.

Process of elimination means it's probably going to be Bones or his siblings that hear about it. Or a professional in the Nexus. If Jim talks to anyone who follows Starfleet protocol, he'll probably be removed from duty, possibly grounded. Jim doesn't want that. This is his life. If he lost this....No, it's not even worth imagining.

[brave_heart_verity]

"Thank you. Why don't you get ready while I do this?" It's not hard to make tea. Those are some weird little yellow petals she's using for it. "Anything else I can do to help?"

[smartass_captain]

"I can do that." Jim finally gets up and looks around his room a moment. "Yeah. Give me a few days. Then, remind me that I told you you were probably right when you brought it up. No matter how pissy I get."

Jim runs his hand through his hair before pulling off his shirt and shucking it on the floor. He keeps his pants on for now, but sits on the edge of the bed to remove his boots and socks.

"This is more steps forward since I been in th'Nexus than I've ever done before." A sad, sad truth, given how much further there is to go.

[brave_heart_verity]

"Mm, because you know I love to argue with you." She hates it, but she'll do it when she has to, and will have to hope he isn't so mean next time.

She listens to him moving around but keeps her back to him to give him some privacy. Watching this tea steep is fascinating, really. "Every journey begins with a single step. The fact that you're moving forward is the important part right now, not how fast you're doing it."

When the tea is ready she brings it over to him. "It's not as good as that Bar-kas theris, but it's not too bad."

[smartass_captain]

"I'll try not to be a dick." It's as much as he can promise. Because Jim knows he tends to do that when he's upset. not one of his best traits or defense mechanisms.

He's totes not stripping further Ver. not until she's gone. He does try to be decent to those who ask.

"Kinda surprised Spock told you how to say it in Vulcan." Jim smiles weakly. "He must appreciate you."

[brave_heart_verity]

"Me too." Neither of them is exactly great at fighting fair, but if they love each other and keep trying, they have a good shot at figuring it out.

She knows, but still. (Also, she is going to be tidying up after him once he's tucked in.)

"Maybe he appreciates that someone asked." It's why she'd do it. It hurts all over again when everyone else has accepted the reality of what happened and stops talking about it. "Or maybe he was just grateful he could leave me on babysitting duty. Now, go on, drink it."

[smartass_captain]

"Maybe." The latter sounds like the most likely, given Spock's impeccable work ethic. And penchant for doing things by the book.

Jim accepts the tea and drinks it promptly. It's definitely not the worst thing he's had before. Has a weird aftertaste that he can't quite put his finger on. When he's done he hands the cup back to her, free hand feeling the blanket she's made for him to try out.

"How long did this take you, holy crap."

[brave_heart_verity]

"An afternoon. Once I figured out what I was doing, it goes pretty quick with giant yarn." She's taking that for enthusiasm and is pleased. Giant knitting for the win! Now to tidy. He wouldn't want Felix finding his quarters a mess, would he?

"It gets tiring holding my arm out that long, though." Tidy tidy clean. "I've thought about having a frame made if I'm going to keep making them, but then is it still technically knitting?"

[smartass_captain]

"Using tools doesn't make the work any less authentic. Technology happens for a reason." Jim Kirk doesn't know what a 'hipster' is, but he does know that the future is a lot easier to get things done in, most of the time.

For how Jim seems like he'd live, his quarters is mostly clean. It's hard to be a slob when you're never there.

"...Thanks. For this. Can't say it was enjoyable, but it probably...needed to happen. Sorry I was shit for company."

[brave_heart_verity]

"I know. It was supposed to be a joke." She wants to know how they solved their hipster problem. Except hers is gone too.

"Don't be sorry for that. I wasn't expecting this to be pleasant, and it's okay that it wasn't. I know I wasn't great company right after..." She'd rather hug him again than have to finish that sentence. "You're going to be okay. You are amazing, and I know you can do this."

[smartass_captain]

"...Yeah." He knows what she means. When she pulls away from the hug, Jim will linger, holding her hand.

"Just for a minute or two." He mumbles before wriggling under the covers. He yanks his uniform pants off with his free hand without showing anything and pulls them out from under the blanket and drops them on the other side of his bed before he lays back.

Jim's always exhausted enough that it never takes him long to fall asleep, fingers loosening in their grip. The trick is staying asleep, but hopefully the tea she's made for him will help with that.

[brave_heart_verity]

She nods and sits on the edge of the bed, holding his hand in both of hers. Once he settles down she begins to massage his hand, working the tension out of each finger before working on his palm. All those manicure sessions with Loki have paid off. And when he's asleep she sets his hand on his chest and goes to sprawl on his couch. It's his first time trying the tea and she wants to be nearby just in case.

She's more responsible with him than with herself. It must run in the family.