Some things you need a friend for... [for shetooktheplanet]

[smartass_captain]

Jim's been different for a while now.

Oh, he's still doing his work with his same obsessive overworking force of nature drive as he always has. But off shift? Jim's been incredibly closed off. He spends so much time in his quarters (or as Bones has found out recently, that usually means 'in the Nexus') even some of the crew have commented on it. But Jim has been different in another way too. He's been happier these last months, more genuinely jovial and warm than the false persona he used to put on to cover up every hurt and pain Jim Kirk carried.

So it's easy for those to know him to see that sometime has gone back to how it used to be in the last few days. Jim looks as though he's not slept in days, neurotically pacing around the bridge with his arms crossed over his chest and chin tucked in one hand as he goes. He's not snappish, but the crew is still on edge, wondering what's happened. Though Jim did get defensive and snap at Spock when his friend had voiced concerns about Jim being in danger of collapsing or passing out while on shift.

Which is why Bones had been comm'd as soon as Jim got off shift by Spock. Something was clearly amiss, and Bones was Jim's best friend. Not to mention the CMO of the ship, and Jim's condition definitely merited a warning after days of progressively worsening.

Comments

[smartass_captain]

"It's already complicated!" There's a clatter as Jim's hand smacks the counter hard enough to make their glasses jostle slightly.

Jim's sudden exclamation seems to have caught himself offguard as much as it probably has Bones. He takes a deep breath, falling silent and paling slightly as wide eyes regard his best friend. Panic is starting to seep under Jim's skin and he fidgets uncomfortably while he looks for a way to recover from that outburst.

"I just fucked up okay? It's nothing the entire goddamn crew needs to worry about and least of all you. It's me doing stupid shit because of course I do." The words fall like water as Jim rambles, backpedaling as hard as he can. The self depreciative talk is common when he talks about his personal life, so Bones can safely assume this has nothing to do with matters on board the ship.

"....You're not gonna drop this even if I say the conversation's over, huh."

He knows he wouldn't, if their positions were reversed. Not after that display. Way to go, Jim. Smooth.

[shetooktheplanet]

Well, if he was on the fence before about Jim's erratic behavior, he's certainly erased any doubt after that little outburst. Bone would like to admit that because he expected him to be emotional that the response didn't phase him, but that would be a lie.

Like everyone else on board the ship, he looked to Jim for that calmness that he has. It's not fair of them, maybe, to expect there will always be ice water running through his veins ... but he does.

And it's always hard to know what to do when his affect is different. He's a doctor, not a psychologist.

"When I said, complicated, I meant in terms of pulling rank and filing paperwork." He says after another thoughtful silence. "I'm trying to do us both a favor coming to you as your friend. Not as the CMO."

[smartass_captain]

"Bones...."

Jim folds his hands in front of his face and takes a long breath with them pressed to his face. Jim is awful at doing what he should for his health. He dodges physicals and check ins as much as Bones will let him get away with, and even lied to his friend about taking therapy after he'd died.

Letting other people in to see his weaknesses and all of the dark places in his past and mind is not something Jim is good at. Even still, Bones has seen the most of it. Has come the closest to getting to know Jim for who he really is, behind the facade of the calm cool and in control cocky captain.

Until now.

Because someone else has entered Jim's life. And somehow, what had meant to be a one off meeting had become...Jim sighs again, pulling his hands away from his face. In that moment, he doesn't look like the captain Jim has become. He looks like the scared kid who woke up screaming the first night they were in the dorms. There's such fatigue in Jim's eyes. And so much fear.

"I messed up, Bones."

His voice is quiet now. Unsteady.

[shetooktheplanet]

"Nothing that can't be fixed, whatever it is."

He says that with a surprising understanding and ease. Bones. You can count on him to be perfectly sarcastic and standoffish when you head to the meadbay with a problem, but it's not who he is deep down.

Leonard is a man who wants one thing. To keep people free from pain of all kinds. And in that mission that he has, to keep the people around him from needlessly suffering, he has see them all come to him ... in their various states of pain. It's hard to watch people like that and he's surrounded by it. Day after day. Hour after hour.

He cares.

And he cares so much that many times his patient's pain becomes his own.

The sarcastic doctor is just as much of a facade as Jim's cocky captain act. His own kind of insulation from the job (and his own stress) so he can get the work done.

"Tell me."

[smartass_captain]

"I broke The Rule."

How long has it been since they talked about The Rule? At least their academy days. Bones fresh off his divorce and Jim perpetually alone. They'd been drinking, when the subject of Jim's flirting came up. It had been the first time Jim had let his best friend see a glimpse of the real Jim Kirk. The kid who'd been through too much.

Everyone leaves. Family, friends, people you think you know. They all leave. So I don't get invested anymore. I don't try. I don't put feelings into it. It's my rule. The fooling around is purely for fun, and I make sure they know it. I don't do mornings after. I don't do a second meetup. That way...no one can get close. No one can leave me if I don't let them in.

He'd been so good about it. Upfront with people. He didn't want to hurt anyone but more importantly...Jim didn't want to get hurt himself anymore.

"I've been seeing someone. And they...I don't know how it happened. But it'll be a year. A year at the end of this month. I can't...I don't know what to do. I shouldn't be in a relationship. I'm shit at that sort of thing, I know I am but they're still here and I just--" Jim's afraid. He's so afraid. He doesn't know how to handle this. He knows how to handle abandonment, loneliness.

"How do I show them I'm not worth it? That this is a mistake? I'm gonna fuck it up and ruin everything...."

[shetooktheplanet]

There it is. The heart of the problem was, in fact, his heart being the problem. For all the pains that Jim may have went to keep his relationship status a secret, he'd met Felix and he had an inkling of what was going on. He has known the Captain for a long time and Leonard knows his tendencies.

"Of all the people I've been around, I'd think you of all people know even the most sound rule doesn't apply to every case."

That's what he says, when he can finally bring himself to answer. He takes pains to hear Jim's every word and think through the situation logically and emotionally. It's the only way that you can really give someone good advice (and why the hobgoblin's advice often falls short).

"Maybe it's time to break the rule, Captain Kirk." He says swirling around the liquid in his glass. "I've never seen you this happy and I don't think it's a coincidence that it seems tied to the time you'd met a certain person. Far as I can tell it's been ... good for you."

[smartass_captain]

That's right, Bones has met Felix, seen them together before.

Jim doesn't remember much of that initial meeting considering he was concussed, still vaguely recovering from a post traumatic episode, and in quite a lot of pain. But he wasn't exactly subtle then about the way he'd looked and talked to Felix in front of Bones, even if he thought he had been at the time.

So Jim thinks now that Bones doesn't quite understand how many ways this is a bad idea. All the reasons he'd given himself not to get where he is right now. Invested. In love.

"We'd never be able to make it work, Bones. I met him in the Nexus. He's from an entirely different world, time. I can't just drop everything and go run off with him. Won't. But I don't....I mean..." He scrubs his face several times, trying to keep from having a complete and total breakdown right here in front of his closest friend. Exhaustion makes it so hard to keep his carefully constructed demeanor in tact.

"I....have been happy. That's why I'm so fucking scared."

[shetooktheplanet]

Can't quite blame Jim for not remembering that day with perfect clarity. His Captain had a pretty rough day leading up to that point. Not that it was going to take much to do so, but it painted the Nexus in a negative light for him. That Jim snuck off to that place and could get himself injured and nobody would be any the wiser kind of bothered the Doc more than he cared to admit.

On the other hand, he'd found a few Shelats there and the last Bones had heard, they had been able to successfully begin breeding them on New Vulcan. And Felix himself was a pleasant person from what Leonard seemed to gather in the admittedly brief time they had spent looking for wounded in the Nexus Arena.

"Easy helmsman." Bones says taking another sip of his drink. "Staying in the relationship you're already in? Isn't the same as eloping. You're just worrying yourself because it's ... real."

The doctor readjusts himself in the chair, leaning forward slightly. His elbows are placed on his knees and the glass is still in hand.

"People are meant to seek out other people. Form attachments. We're social. There's nothing wrong with you finding comfort in love. Everybody does. And you got more than enough people, me included, that are going to confront you if it starts interfering with you work."

[smartass_captain]

Jim treated the nexus as just another part of his job, most days. Heading there to do his reports so he could sit with Felix, helping appropriate-tech worlds with terraforming obstacles like he had with Furiosa, arranging for the Nexus variants of sehlats to be sent to New Vulcan.

Is it any real surprise to bones that Jim has found another venue to work in? Granted he isn't usually quite so serious in the Nexus. Then again, he's not in charge in the Nexus. he's just another visitor doing his own thing. It's a nice change of pace now and again.

"No shit I'm worrying because it's real."

Jim's gonna take another swig of his own drink. His hands are shaking slightly.

"These things never last. Not for me."

[shetooktheplanet]

"Last I checked, you're not a clairvoyant."

That's the answer that comes easily to him. Jim doesn't know anything was going to happen as much as the next guy. He can assume that it might be the case bassed on past experiences, but even the Captain himself knows that isn't the end all be all.

"You're overthinking this, Jim. You gotta take these things one day at a time or you'll overwhelm yourself." That may have been part of the reason that his own relationship imploded so spectacularly. "And, you know ... talk to him. Keep conversation open."

He can consider that a prescription from Doctor McCoy.

"In the off chance you develop clairvoyance, I'm gonna keep your brain for science, though. Just so you know."

[smartass_captain]

Jim snorts slightly into his glass.

It's a good thing he's too tired for this because he would have got booze all over himself if he'd laughed much harder while he was trying to take a sip like he had been.

"That'll show those kids at the academy. 'If you piss me off you'll end up in a jar just like my ex-captain did'. Bet those brats would study then."

Bones is right. He's already told Felix he's serious. Already done so much. He shouldn't be afraid anymore, not if he's already made the choice. It's just so much more real, faced with the date. He's fine day to day. It's when he stops and thinks about it that he freezes up. Gets scared again. He doesn't want to lose this.

And can't believe, after a year, that he hasn't already.

"Thanks, Bones. Sorry t'mkae you babysit me. I know this isn't how you like to spend your off shift hours."

[shetooktheplanet]

"Well, it's outside of my scope of practice to psychoanalyze you, Jim." He says as he takes a pull from his glass. "I'm a doctor, not a psychiatrist."

"... but as your friend, I feel like somebody needs to keep your head on straight and it might as well be me."

Though really, doesn't he deserves some special perks for going above and beyond here? A bigger staff? All time first in line at the replicator? His own private reserve of coffee beans from Organia IV? He can think of all kinds of ways the people around here can and should be thanking him.

[smartass_captain]

"Pretty sure it's outside of anyone sane's practice to get into my head."

Which had always been the convenient excuse to not bother with therapy. Or, as little as he could get away with. But he's getting better. He's not fighting Bones for his checkups or referrals as much as he used to. Jim will probably never be an ideal patient. Sitting still and resting never comes easily to him. but he's getting better. This whole thing proves it. He's letting people in.

People that aren't Bones or Mister Spock, even.

"You know, you could just come with me to the Nexus and pick up some non-replicated food one of these days. You've checked me out enough times to know it's not dangerous down there. Or, safer than most of the places we beam down to at least. My treat."