Some things you need a friend for... [for shetooktheplanet]

[smartass_captain]

Jim's been different for a while now.

Oh, he's still doing his work with his same obsessive overworking force of nature drive as he always has. But off shift? Jim's been incredibly closed off. He spends so much time in his quarters (or as Bones has found out recently, that usually means 'in the Nexus') even some of the crew have commented on it. But Jim has been different in another way too. He's been happier these last months, more genuinely jovial and warm than the false persona he used to put on to cover up every hurt and pain Jim Kirk carried.

So it's easy for those to know him to see that sometime has gone back to how it used to be in the last few days. Jim looks as though he's not slept in days, neurotically pacing around the bridge with his arms crossed over his chest and chin tucked in one hand as he goes. He's not snappish, but the crew is still on edge, wondering what's happened. Though Jim did get defensive and snap at Spock when his friend had voiced concerns about Jim being in danger of collapsing or passing out while on shift.

Which is why Bones had been comm'd as soon as Jim got off shift by Spock. Something was clearly amiss, and Bones was Jim's best friend. Not to mention the CMO of the ship, and Jim's condition definitely merited a warning after days of progressively worsening.

Comments

[shetooktheplanet]

Even happier is a good enough reason to raise one's suspicions when you're talking about Jim Kirk. When you're the Chief Medical Officer, anyway. Anything other than seeing his Captain keep a steady course makes him wonder what the heck is going on.

And in a sense, you can't blame him for that. Ever since he'd become Captain of the Enterprise, what characterized Jim in the doctor's mind is poise.

Happiness is a positive change, though. It's even good for a person's health in ways that medicine still can't quite explain after all these years of study. So after a while, and particularly after he'd been to the Nexus and discovered the source, he'd accepted it as the new normal. Even happy for Jim to have found some comfort in a life that he knows can be very hard on his friend.

It's when he notices the shift back that everyone begins to worry.

He's waiting in front of the main elevator that the Captain most often uses when he's departing from the bridge. Bones arms are folded across his chest and his face looks like it's not quite certain whether it wants to be concerned or scowl, so it's trying to do both.

"Jim." He says, with a little bit of a drawl creeping into his voice. "We need to talk."

[smartass_captain]

Bones has many faces.

Over the years Jim has had the honor of calling Leonard his friend he's learned a great many of them. This isn't the 'I Hate This' face that's usually reserved for Jim's split moment decisions in the middle of shit going wrong. It's not 'Long Day' and it's definitely not 'Dammit Jim'. It looks most like 'Something's Wrong'.

Jim steps out of the lift, shoulders already squaring and posture straightening to take the bad news. To be whoever Bones needs him to be to fix whatever's gone wrong. He licks at his lower lip, nerves showing through the excess energy he has and nods.

"Here or..?"

Whatever had been troubling him when the lift doors opened is pushed back in a box marked 'deal with later' in his head. His own troubles were far less important than an emergency on the ship. Or most other things, for that matter.

[shetooktheplanet]

"I thought we might go to the observation deck."

Which is a subtle, but important message to Jim in and of itself. He's not hauling his ass to the med bay because of a medical concern. He's talking him somewhere that they can lounge and talk because his concern has nothing to do with his position as the CMO and everything to do with the fact that he's the Captain's friend.

Which may or may not be more troubling to Jim when he realizes it.

[smartass_captain]

Okay no one's dying. This is a good start and several 'what ifs' are struck off of the list of potential catastrophes in Jim's head almsot immediately. Which means that whatever's wrong isn't going to be causing life or death problems for the crew if they're headed to the Observation deck. Still, the fact that Bones hasn't grumped or shoved a single sharp edge (literally or emotionally) Jim's way means that there is still something very much bothering his friend.

Word from home? He wonders briefly if it has something to do with family. Most of the crew has been hit with it at some point on their mission. Jim hasn't but then, he's got nothing back home to miss.

His posture relaxes almost immediately and Jim nods before gesturing back to the lift he'd just stepped out of. The silence while the lift travels isn't an awkward one for Jim. He's already working through plan A through Z to cheer Bones up from whatever's got him so out of sorts. It doesn't occur to Jim in the least that Bones could want to talk to Jim about Jim. He chances the smallest of smiles, friendly and supportive, when they get off again.

"I'll serve tonight. What're you in the mood for? I'm pretty sure I still have some of that Theta Niez brandy we got at that last gala we had to go to if you're in the mood for something not replicated or gut-rotting."

[shetooktheplanet]

It is like Jim to ignore the writing on the wall, even when it's plain to see. Sometimes he has to, because it's the only way he can forge on in situations where other men and women would be simply overwhelmed. Most of the time, it's simply insulation that keeps him from examining his own emotions. Bones is hardly an expert in psychology, but he has his friend pretty well figured.

"I don't suppose that bottle of Saurian brandy is still where we left it." He says after a moment. "Otherwise something worth savoring would be nice."

Bones has his hands loose and at his side. His demeanour seems slightly more thoughtful than it was when he and the Captain initially met up, but the concern is still very present.

[smartass_captain]

"Where you hid it, you mean."

Jim slips behind the bar to rummage around before he produces two glasses and the requested bottle of brandy to set atop the bar counter. Fatigue clings to Jim, showing now that he isn't forcing himself to be Captain Kirk. He rubs at his eyes before pouring them both a glass of the brandy. The other reason for offering to serve is so Jim doesn't have to sit down. He's exhausted beyond all reasonable excuses.

"Good call though. On hiding it, I mean. This is some good stuff." Jim clinks his glass softly against Bones' before taking a small sip and setting his glass back down. "What's on your mind, Bones?"

Now that they've got a seat and drinks, Jim figures it won't hurt to ask so he can start working on how to help.

[shetooktheplanet]

If he's expecting Bones to look guilty that he stashed away the nice brandy, Jim is going to be thoroughly disappointed. The way things go 'round here some damn fool would have grabbed it and chugged or worse, mixed it with Traggle Nectar. Booze this nice shouldn't be mixed with anything.

The doctor settles in his seat and idly swirls the liquid around in the glass. It's easier and probably more expected of him to launch himself into a tirade when something is concerning him, but when the subject is Jim ... everything is more complicated.

"I should ask you the same question." He says finally. "Something's off with you, Jim, and before you try to say otherwise, I'm gonna tell you that I'm not the only one whose noticed ..."

[smartass_captain]

The turn around of the question has the exact effect Bones probably expected it would. Jim immediately tenses, grip on his glass tightening and his lips drawing into a thin line. There's shock in those blue eyes too. Of course Jim didn't think this would be about him.

"It's noth--"

He's cut off before he can finish the lie, and already he feels a wave of irritation at the fact that someone went and got Bones involved in this, too. Probably Spock. Why can't people just trust him when he says he's fine? It's not their goddamn problem and Jim's got everything under control.

Except that he doesn't. He hasn't slept in days and he's barely eaten anything. He can't hide that, or the way he's been chugging coffee as though he needs it to breathe. There is something bothering Jim.

He fidgets with the glass in his fingers for a long minute, going back and forth between looking uncomfortable and looking irritated.

"Jesus Christ." It comes out in a whisper that's punctuated by Jim taking a big sip of his drink before setting it down on the bar. He wants to snap and insist he's fine but Jim literally doesn't have the stamina for another fight. He shakes his head instead. "That's what this is about? It's not..."

How to even begin explaining what's bothering him.

"It's stupid. Don't worry about it."

Bones has him now though. Jim's admitted there's something wrong and that's always the toughest part. Seems like he's really not up for a fight on this, stubborn as he can often be.

[shetooktheplanet]

"I'm the right amount of worried, alright."

He says raising the glass to his lips for a slow sip. Good brandy deserves to be savored. Even if the occasion for drinking it is an unpleasant one. Not that this has to be unpleasant, but he is expecting it to be a little emotional.

"Jim I ..." He begins and then stops abruptly trying to pick the next words thoughtfully. "... I want to try to sort this out before it gets more complicated. Let me help. Start by telling me what's gotten into you."

[smartass_captain]

"It's already complicated!" There's a clatter as Jim's hand smacks the counter hard enough to make their glasses jostle slightly.

Jim's sudden exclamation seems to have caught himself offguard as much as it probably has Bones. He takes a deep breath, falling silent and paling slightly as wide eyes regard his best friend. Panic is starting to seep under Jim's skin and he fidgets uncomfortably while he looks for a way to recover from that outburst.

"I just fucked up okay? It's nothing the entire goddamn crew needs to worry about and least of all you. It's me doing stupid shit because of course I do." The words fall like water as Jim rambles, backpedaling as hard as he can. The self depreciative talk is common when he talks about his personal life, so Bones can safely assume this has nothing to do with matters on board the ship.

"....You're not gonna drop this even if I say the conversation's over, huh."

He knows he wouldn't, if their positions were reversed. Not after that display. Way to go, Jim. Smooth.

[shetooktheplanet]

Well, if he was on the fence before about Jim's erratic behavior, he's certainly erased any doubt after that little outburst. Bone would like to admit that because he expected him to be emotional that the response didn't phase him, but that would be a lie.

Like everyone else on board the ship, he looked to Jim for that calmness that he has. It's not fair of them, maybe, to expect there will always be ice water running through his veins ... but he does.

And it's always hard to know what to do when his affect is different. He's a doctor, not a psychologist.

"When I said, complicated, I meant in terms of pulling rank and filing paperwork." He says after another thoughtful silence. "I'm trying to do us both a favor coming to you as your friend. Not as the CMO."

[smartass_captain]

"Bones...."

Jim folds his hands in front of his face and takes a long breath with them pressed to his face. Jim is awful at doing what he should for his health. He dodges physicals and check ins as much as Bones will let him get away with, and even lied to his friend about taking therapy after he'd died.

Letting other people in to see his weaknesses and all of the dark places in his past and mind is not something Jim is good at. Even still, Bones has seen the most of it. Has come the closest to getting to know Jim for who he really is, behind the facade of the calm cool and in control cocky captain.

Until now.

Because someone else has entered Jim's life. And somehow, what had meant to be a one off meeting had become...Jim sighs again, pulling his hands away from his face. In that moment, he doesn't look like the captain Jim has become. He looks like the scared kid who woke up screaming the first night they were in the dorms. There's such fatigue in Jim's eyes. And so much fear.

"I messed up, Bones."

His voice is quiet now. Unsteady.

[shetooktheplanet]

"Nothing that can't be fixed, whatever it is."

He says that with a surprising understanding and ease. Bones. You can count on him to be perfectly sarcastic and standoffish when you head to the meadbay with a problem, but it's not who he is deep down.

Leonard is a man who wants one thing. To keep people free from pain of all kinds. And in that mission that he has, to keep the people around him from needlessly suffering, he has see them all come to him ... in their various states of pain. It's hard to watch people like that and he's surrounded by it. Day after day. Hour after hour.

He cares.

And he cares so much that many times his patient's pain becomes his own.

The sarcastic doctor is just as much of a facade as Jim's cocky captain act. His own kind of insulation from the job (and his own stress) so he can get the work done.

"Tell me."

[smartass_captain]

"I broke The Rule."

How long has it been since they talked about The Rule? At least their academy days. Bones fresh off his divorce and Jim perpetually alone. They'd been drinking, when the subject of Jim's flirting came up. It had been the first time Jim had let his best friend see a glimpse of the real Jim Kirk. The kid who'd been through too much.

Everyone leaves. Family, friends, people you think you know. They all leave. So I don't get invested anymore. I don't try. I don't put feelings into it. It's my rule. The fooling around is purely for fun, and I make sure they know it. I don't do mornings after. I don't do a second meetup. That way...no one can get close. No one can leave me if I don't let them in.

He'd been so good about it. Upfront with people. He didn't want to hurt anyone but more importantly...Jim didn't want to get hurt himself anymore.

"I've been seeing someone. And they...I don't know how it happened. But it'll be a year. A year at the end of this month. I can't...I don't know what to do. I shouldn't be in a relationship. I'm shit at that sort of thing, I know I am but they're still here and I just--" Jim's afraid. He's so afraid. He doesn't know how to handle this. He knows how to handle abandonment, loneliness.

"How do I show them I'm not worth it? That this is a mistake? I'm gonna fuck it up and ruin everything...."

[shetooktheplanet]

There it is. The heart of the problem was, in fact, his heart being the problem. For all the pains that Jim may have went to keep his relationship status a secret, he'd met Felix and he had an inkling of what was going on. He has known the Captain for a long time and Leonard knows his tendencies.

"Of all the people I've been around, I'd think you of all people know even the most sound rule doesn't apply to every case."

That's what he says, when he can finally bring himself to answer. He takes pains to hear Jim's every word and think through the situation logically and emotionally. It's the only way that you can really give someone good advice (and why the hobgoblin's advice often falls short).

"Maybe it's time to break the rule, Captain Kirk." He says swirling around the liquid in his glass. "I've never seen you this happy and I don't think it's a coincidence that it seems tied to the time you'd met a certain person. Far as I can tell it's been ... good for you."

[smartass_captain]

That's right, Bones has met Felix, seen them together before.

Jim doesn't remember much of that initial meeting considering he was concussed, still vaguely recovering from a post traumatic episode, and in quite a lot of pain. But he wasn't exactly subtle then about the way he'd looked and talked to Felix in front of Bones, even if he thought he had been at the time.

So Jim thinks now that Bones doesn't quite understand how many ways this is a bad idea. All the reasons he'd given himself not to get where he is right now. Invested. In love.

"We'd never be able to make it work, Bones. I met him in the Nexus. He's from an entirely different world, time. I can't just drop everything and go run off with him. Won't. But I don't....I mean..." He scrubs his face several times, trying to keep from having a complete and total breakdown right here in front of his closest friend. Exhaustion makes it so hard to keep his carefully constructed demeanor in tact.

"I....have been happy. That's why I'm so fucking scared."

[shetooktheplanet]

Can't quite blame Jim for not remembering that day with perfect clarity. His Captain had a pretty rough day leading up to that point. Not that it was going to take much to do so, but it painted the Nexus in a negative light for him. That Jim snuck off to that place and could get himself injured and nobody would be any the wiser kind of bothered the Doc more than he cared to admit.

On the other hand, he'd found a few Shelats there and the last Bones had heard, they had been able to successfully begin breeding them on New Vulcan. And Felix himself was a pleasant person from what Leonard seemed to gather in the admittedly brief time they had spent looking for wounded in the Nexus Arena.

"Easy helmsman." Bones says taking another sip of his drink. "Staying in the relationship you're already in? Isn't the same as eloping. You're just worrying yourself because it's ... real."

The doctor readjusts himself in the chair, leaning forward slightly. His elbows are placed on his knees and the glass is still in hand.

"People are meant to seek out other people. Form attachments. We're social. There's nothing wrong with you finding comfort in love. Everybody does. And you got more than enough people, me included, that are going to confront you if it starts interfering with you work."

[smartass_captain]

Jim treated the nexus as just another part of his job, most days. Heading there to do his reports so he could sit with Felix, helping appropriate-tech worlds with terraforming obstacles like he had with Furiosa, arranging for the Nexus variants of sehlats to be sent to New Vulcan.

Is it any real surprise to bones that Jim has found another venue to work in? Granted he isn't usually quite so serious in the Nexus. Then again, he's not in charge in the Nexus. he's just another visitor doing his own thing. It's a nice change of pace now and again.

"No shit I'm worrying because it's real."

Jim's gonna take another swig of his own drink. His hands are shaking slightly.

"These things never last. Not for me."

[shetooktheplanet]

"Last I checked, you're not a clairvoyant."

That's the answer that comes easily to him. Jim doesn't know anything was going to happen as much as the next guy. He can assume that it might be the case bassed on past experiences, but even the Captain himself knows that isn't the end all be all.

"You're overthinking this, Jim. You gotta take these things one day at a time or you'll overwhelm yourself." That may have been part of the reason that his own relationship imploded so spectacularly. "And, you know ... talk to him. Keep conversation open."

He can consider that a prescription from Doctor McCoy.

"In the off chance you develop clairvoyance, I'm gonna keep your brain for science, though. Just so you know."

[smartass_captain]

Jim snorts slightly into his glass.

It's a good thing he's too tired for this because he would have got booze all over himself if he'd laughed much harder while he was trying to take a sip like he had been.

"That'll show those kids at the academy. 'If you piss me off you'll end up in a jar just like my ex-captain did'. Bet those brats would study then."

Bones is right. He's already told Felix he's serious. Already done so much. He shouldn't be afraid anymore, not if he's already made the choice. It's just so much more real, faced with the date. He's fine day to day. It's when he stops and thinks about it that he freezes up. Gets scared again. He doesn't want to lose this.

And can't believe, after a year, that he hasn't already.

"Thanks, Bones. Sorry t'mkae you babysit me. I know this isn't how you like to spend your off shift hours."

[shetooktheplanet]

"Well, it's outside of my scope of practice to psychoanalyze you, Jim." He says as he takes a pull from his glass. "I'm a doctor, not a psychiatrist."

"... but as your friend, I feel like somebody needs to keep your head on straight and it might as well be me."

Though really, doesn't he deserves some special perks for going above and beyond here? A bigger staff? All time first in line at the replicator? His own private reserve of coffee beans from Organia IV? He can think of all kinds of ways the people around here can and should be thanking him.

[smartass_captain]

"Pretty sure it's outside of anyone sane's practice to get into my head."

Which had always been the convenient excuse to not bother with therapy. Or, as little as he could get away with. But he's getting better. He's not fighting Bones for his checkups or referrals as much as he used to. Jim will probably never be an ideal patient. Sitting still and resting never comes easily to him. but he's getting better. This whole thing proves it. He's letting people in.

People that aren't Bones or Mister Spock, even.

"You know, you could just come with me to the Nexus and pick up some non-replicated food one of these days. You've checked me out enough times to know it's not dangerous down there. Or, safer than most of the places we beam down to at least. My treat."