Not a time to Celebrate

[smartass_captain]

Jim's made it. Holidays are done, big damn speech over, all without alerting the crew to how detached their Captain has become in the last week and a half. With all the extra shifts he'd taken on over Christmas, it would be easy to assume Bones made him take the day off to rest and recuperate.

They'd be wrong.

Bones knew Jim wouldn't be on shift on the Fourth. He never does much of anything that day. If the end of December drains the light out of the Captain's smile, then the first week of January looks like it's killing him. He and Spock tried to get him out of his quarters and focused on something--anything else. But Jim's shut himself away in his room. There's a holo set up on his desk of a man who looks an awful lot like Jim, standing happily beside his mother.

Jim stares at it from his seat, before burying his head in his hands. His birthday isn't something to celebrate. It's a reminder of the tragedy that changed everything.

Comments

[smartass_captain]

"..Okay." You don't have to talk to me, but you should talk to someone. Wasn't that what Verity had said? Jim nods a few times. "You can ask me anything you want. Anything from here on out."

Jim knows it's not this simple. not this easy. That things he's liable to admit to will ruin everything. But maybe it's for the best. Either way, this is the only way he can think to make himself believe it's okay to talk. About anything.

Don't worry Jim, that brandy carries a speechcraft bonus

[conjuredskies]

Felix stares at him for a few seconds before he nods slowly. He's entirely blindsided. But- it's a clever plan, in a way. He doesn't know what choices Jim is facing - his people don't even have a concept of therapy the way Earth cultures do. What they do understand is the need for counsel, and confidants. Maybe a conjurer used to keeping pacts and secrets isn't a bad choice for either, Felix thinks.

He doesn't know what Jim's reasoning is, of course. But that doesn't matter. He's offering his trust. Be gentle with it.

"Anything? I hardly know where to begin," he murmurs. His gaze drops to his empty glass for a moment, not to stare at Jim while he thinks. Start with something simple. "How are you feeling- really?"

Also liver hating alcohol!

[smartass_captain]

"Begin wherever and ask as much as you think you wanna know." Jim shrugs and pours himself a heavy shot--still brandy-- even though he won that round. "Me? I feel really fucked up. Kinda pathetic."

He stares down at his empty glass, rolling it between his fingers.

"I didn't want you to see this side of me."

Eloquent self-destruction in a bottle!

[conjuredskies]

Felix places the bourbon in reach in case he prefers to swap, but then slides over to wrap an arm around Jim's back. He's damned if he's letting the captain subsist on liquid comfort alone.

"Why not?" he prompts quietly. He could insert his own guesses, but now seems a good time to listen, to finally get some sense of the ground they're treading.

[smartass_captain]

"Because...I'm a pretty fucked up person. And.." Jim sighs, sets the glass down and leans into the embrace. "I don't want this to stop."

No one wants Jim Kirk the way he is. That's a lesson he's been taught over and over again. Everyone leaves. The best he can hope for is a fun time as long as it lasts. "..Pretty shitty and selfish, huh."

[conjuredskies]

...Jim wants him to stay. Felix leaves his glass aside, the better to pull him close. He wants me to stay.

The distraction makes him fumble over his answer: "No. No, I don't think so. I never expected you to let me close, I mean- considering our positions..." He swallows, trying to get a grip on what he means to say. "You've been nothing but good to me since we met. Were you truly afraid I'd be...frightened off? Just because I found you mourning?"

[smartass_captain]

"I didn't mean to. I'm awful at this sort of thing. Never had a real relationship that lasted longer than a laughably short time before." Maybe this is his way of chasing Felix off, letting him see a glimpse of the rest of himself.

The parts scarred and broken.

"I'll fuck it up, and I'm a mess. I don't sleep, I'm a total ass." Couldn't even keep his family around. Ugh. This is a dangerous line of thinking. Jim needs to stop before he starts crying or something equally unseemly.

[conjuredskies]

"I can't claim my record's much better," he points out quietly. It's probably not the time to start comparing, but Felix is quite conscious he's hardly an innocent, and the relationships are the least of it.

"Tonight doesn't count, remember? You can't fuck up." His tone is light, but he's speaking with assurance. If Jim needs to cry, he's not going anywhere. Worse than sobbing is sobbing alone. "You're exhausted and in pain. That's no sin. But why haven't you slept? I know you don't like to, but..."

He hesitates. It just seems to him this must be more than grief for a father never met. After all, he was older than that when his mother died and it never affected him so. Maybe that's callous thinking. Her death never shadowed his birth.

[smartass_captain]

"Nightmares." Jim is shaking slightly. Felix is right. Tonight doesn't count. Tonight means nothing. He could very well be lying, right? It doesn't matter.

"Of when I died. Of Tarsus. Of Frank. All the time, so real...I don't want to talk about this anymore." It's a start. The door opened, if only for a moment. And Felix has enough details that he can either look into them on his own, or ask a certain sibling for the details Jim can't talk about. "I don't stay for nights after because I don't want people to know."

[conjuredskies]

"It's all right. You don't have to talk," Felix soothes. He shifts so he can rub Jim's back slowly, keeping his other arm around him. Not because he's sure it's the right thing to do but just to offer comfort, and because sometimes physical sensation is good for grounding the mind. That's what they taught him; that's what he hopes.

His expression is worried, though. He can't blame Jim for shaking. The names he doesn’t understand, but the rest is enough to crack the toughest soul. Nightmares hounding him from rest, the shock and violence of dying and returning... Jim's no undead, Felix is quite secure about that. The one upside of necromancy being basically conjuration magic is that it's even easier for him to spot. But surely you don't just slip in and out of death without it leaving a mark.

[smartass_captain]

"...Days like this. Makes me think I shouldn't have woke up again." It's all Jim will say on the matter for now. He leans his head against Felix a moment or two, trying to regain composure.

When he's at least sure he isn't going to cry, he's going to turn back to the bottle. Doesn't really matter which one.

"...Sorry. Not real game like. Wanna play some more, or..?"

[conjuredskies]

"But some of us are so glad you did." He has to know that, or to be reminded. Felix gives him the quiet moments, listening to his breathing until it evens just a bit.

"If you're up to it." He doesn't want to push, but it's something to focus on. Something to pace the drinking out. "I can hardly let you get away with beating me on your first try. I mean, I think I have some honor."

[smartass_captain]

((I'm cool wrapping this up if you are? Hand waving cuddles and aww unless you have any other ideas. I'm more excited for your thread at this point XD

Will delete this and reply properly if you have another idea you want to see through for this though!))

[conjuredskies]

(( I'm fine leaving this here! Let them have their snuggles bandit-free for now. ;)

For the other kind, though, the post is up!))