Picking up the Pieces ( for conjuredskies )

[smartass_captain]

They made it out alive.

It still hasn't quite sunk in fully yet. Jim's body still tensed and coiled with every step ready to go into fight or flight mode at the drop of a hat. Everything hurts. His hand feels like he's grabbing a redhot wire with every beat of his heart. Both knees are bloody with glass, dirt and who knows what else in the wounds. He's bruised literally everywhere and his stomach doesn't know what the fuck is going on anymore the way he's been swinging between starvation and mildly hungover. The concept of relaxing being fought tooth and nail by his body's override of survive that pushes him to keep moving keep fighting get somewhere safe.

Even with Felix in hand, Jim feels like he's lost a limb coming back to the ship without his younger counterpart. We go together or not at all. We go together or not at all. But even that ended up in tragedy. The younger captain changed and warped, turning into just another Jim Eating Monster and that's a blow Jim doesn't need. Not being able to even trust himself.

Jim's unaware that Felix has maneuvered him onto his couch until he's suddenly sitting and his knees scream with the protest of bending. A shaky gasp of pain eeks out of Jim's throat that he tries to stifle. Not safe to make noise not safe not safe. Unaware that it's Felix who's calling the lights to thirty percent, who's getting a cup of coffee from the replicator. Who's acting as though they belong in this place. Right now, Jim doesn't feel like a starship captain. His mind is still jammed stuck firmly in the past and to the facades of ghosts who shouldn't have been on Tarsus.

It's going to be a long night.


[This is gonna be a heavy read and deal with trauma and heavy subjects you are warned.]

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[conjuredskies]

He doesn't answer, for a long minute. Sponges dirt from Jim's scraped knees and pulls the light closer to spot any shards of embedded glass or debris. But he doesn't lie. Not to Jim. Maybe he should, should know the right words to make things easier for both of them. But all that's been stripped back in the emotions at work tonight, the last of his self-control lost the moment Jim was taken from him again. He's too raw to be clever. He might regret that.

"I don't know," he mumbles. "I don't know how you can even look at me now." How Jim can trust him to be here. The guilt is creeping back, the flashes of recall that have tormented him since he woke up in his childhood home. He remembers the last time they were together. Jim's exhausted and bloodied face looking up at him from the darkness. Standing on high and smiling down at his terrified anger. Drawing the blades...

"But I'm yours," he makes himself say. Forcing himself back to the present. Trying to reassure Jim even though everything looks bleak in his sight. "No matter what happens, I'll make sure you're okay." If Jim doesn't want him back, Felix will still be there for him in whatever ways he can be.

[smartass_captain]

Jim remembers all too well.

Slinking past fetid corpses walking again in the dark and cold of that hideout of his. Finding Felix and seeing just how much the magic had changed him. Putting down his bow and drawing out his phaser. Not a night goes by that hasn't left Jim waking and trembling to every horrific what if. If they'd come too late. If the magic hadn't worked properly. If Jim had become just one more soul lost in the gem or the blades to sate their hunger.

Until tonight.

Jim still doesn't know it's only been one night. How could it be when he and his younger companion spent enough time on Tarsus IV to be left weeks starving? Bloody, spent, and desperate while they marched through that hell? Only to leave it and find another one. The blood underneath Jim's nails isn't his own. It's Kodos' and Felix's. The phantom that died in his arms before vanishing. The monster responsible for his fate on Tarsus who warped into Khan just to taunt them for willingly taking a life.

And Felix still thinks Jim is too good for him? The blood under his nails stares back accusingly. He didn't need a murderous set of swords to drag him under and change him into a monster. Tarsus IV did it for him years ago. The words drag from his mouth like rotting teeth, each one poison and a hurt but needing to go.

"I killed him. We...we killed him and felt nothing. Decided to much longer before that. Only thing that kept us alive...in..in that hell. Starving and thirsty." His hands shake again but Jim has no strength left. He speaks those words to the darkness and doesn't fight the tears that slip down his face now freely. There is no sob. No wrack in his breath. Just a quiet exhausted acceptance of the reality he's in now.

Felix is alive here, Jim reminds himself. It will have to be enough.

"I'll always look....at you."

[conjuredskies]

The spell he's working on Jim's knees fades as Felix's head jerks up. His eyes search the other man's face, trying to understand. Just what did he do? Why does it hurt so much? He knows Jim isn't like him. His world seems to foster a rejection of war, of the need to kill sometimes.

"Who was it?" he asks quietly. Who could Jim kill that makes him think he's no better than a would-have-been lich? "I know you, Jim. You don't kill easily. You feel too much guilt. You'd sooner die yourself..." And how his voice aches at that last. He knows how he's most likely to lose Jim.

[smartass_captain]

Kodos the Executioner.

The governor of Tarsus IV that with a simple decree declared half of a suffering colony to death to save the other half. Determined men, women, and children to be unworthy to live. Whose decision put a child from Earth through a hell that no one should be forced to suffer just to survive. Protecting two others with him the entire way. How does one describe a man with such a callous disregard for human life? There are evils in the world and this man was one of them.

But that's speaking objectively. Stating facts and reciting history. Here in this personal quarters Felix doesn't get the benefit of a data pad spelling out what happened factually and neatly. He gets his answer from Jim Kirk.

"An unarmed man sitting in his office. Scared....for his life." Jim remembers knocking the pistol from the governor's hand, pinning him to the desk. Can see his younger counterpart dashing forward and burying his bootknife in Kodos' throat. Ripping it out. The blood spraying them both.

Khan's cold approval and laughter that followed when Kodos' body warped. How does it feel, captain?

How does it feel to be just. Like. Me?

"We didn't give him a chance...to beg."

[conjuredskies]

Felix stares up at him, trying to make sense of that. That doesn't sound like the man he knows. It does, he realizes, sound like the way Jim sees himself in his darker moments.

He shakes his head emphatically. "You wouldn't kill without good reason. I know you. If you set out to kill a man then..." No. That isn't what Jim needs to hear. Felix will never believe he committed an unjust killing, but he knows when the captain isn't going to heed such affirmations.

"It was a nightmare, Jim," he says more softly. "An illusion crafted to torment you. It showed you what you feared most. And you fear becoming a killer. That's why it turned you into one."

[smartass_captain]

Felix can feel Jim tense when he tries to argue. He's right. Assuring Jim that any life he deemed necessary to take wasn't worthy to be alive in the first place isn't going to make him feel any better here. After so many centuries of bloodshed, war, and death his people have moved forward toward peace.

Taking a life, even if it was deserved, isn't Jim's way. It goes against everything he stands for. Every life ended by his hands and his choices taking something away from him too.

But oh. Blue eyes regain some of their light. Raise up tentatively to meet Felix's gaze. It was a nightmare designed to torment him. This is true. That's why it made him think Felix had died in his arms. It was why they were starving. And...and why they chose to take a man's life even though it wouldn't save anyone.

As strong as Jim's self loathing is, he can't argue with this. Instead he nods numbly in agreement. His fingers reaching out to cling at Felix's sleeve.

"But it...it's done now." A reminder to himself as much as anything.Maybe the conjurer is right. His relaxation is minute but it's there all the same.

[conjuredskies]

Felix sees that hope return to Jim's expression and the shadow over his heart lightens for the first time in months. It was the right thing to say. He's done with the healing so he sits up by Jim and clasps his hand again for a minute.

"It's done," he affirms. "It's over." He wants nothing more than to just sit here, looking at Jim's face and being here to offer comfort. Something in him still won't settle, though. There's a twist in his gut that only tightens as he sits with Jim. A prickle of his nerves that says, You shouldn't be here. It's too close.

"...Let me clear up and get that plate off you," he says finally. "Your shoulders must be sore by now. I'll be right back." Let Stratos worry about cleaning it - or maybe someone else should. Felix thinks of his brother's harrowed expression earlier. That's a problem for the morning. He pushes himself up, clearing away the bloodied wipes and raided first aid kit besides washing his own hands. Stopping to breathe as calmly as he can for the two minutes he's out of Jim's sight.

It's fine. He's under his own control now. He won't lose it. They're both safe here.

It's fine.

Just don't think about it.

[smartass_captain]

"My everything is...is sore."

Jim confirms Felix's thoughts before the other one is gone, disappeared into the bathroom Jim shares with Spock. Panic seizes at him the moment Felix is out of sight but Jim tries to stop from shaking too badly. Wraps his arms around himself tightly and tries to breathe. Deep breaths, Jim.

Felix is alive and right over there. It's fine. He's not gone the moment he's out of sight.

With his hand and knees healed Jim can move a bit more freely. He leans over to fumble with his boots, slip them off. He only has the one sock on since the other one had been tied round his hand to stop the bleeding. It's about as much as he can manage in the couple of minutes Felix is out of sight.

How is he going to function after tonight?

Get it together, Jim. Get it together.

[conjuredskies]

When Felix returns he's... well, he thinks he's go himself under control. But his face is pale, his heart hammering faster than it has any warrant to. He's too quiet as he sits down again, shuffling close to start unbuckling that armor. He tries, though. Remembers to murmur to Jim now and then. Even tries to joke a little. Once.

"Come on, let's get that off you. It's not your look anyway..." He fumbles his way through each stay and fastening, then helps Jim try to pull the armor off over his head. Has to do it twice, because he forgot to undo a couple of fastenings. Finally the armor's dumped aside, followed by the bloodied undershirt. His hands linger on Jim's skin as he works, squeezing his arms and stroking his back with the need to reassure them both.

"Should get you cleaned up," he mumbles, not knowing why that thought fills him with dread. "Want to try the shower? Or I'll just take care of you..." He really doubts Jim can manage a shower, to tell the truth. But he'll help- he has to. The tightness in his chest doesn't matter, it's what Jim needs.

[smartass_captain]

He nods.

Anything to get the stench of rotting grain, moth eaten curtains, and wet fur out of his nose. To quell the profound feeling of being tainted and unclean that the Nightmare has left him with. To remove the rest of Kodos' blood from his person. Wash it all away.

Jim's rocking back and forth slightly, unaware of the motion.

"N...need to get clean. I'm not sure a sonic's g-gonna do the trick this time."